Star Trek

                                 The Next Generation


                                 The Tale of Colonel
                                      Lanzelot

                                         by
                                     Robert Roy


                                     HISTORICAL NOTE
                           This story  takes  place  just
                           after  the   events   in   the
                           episode "Angel One"

                                     ACT -3.752


                FADE IN:

                EXT. ENTERPRISE


                The Enterprise is seen traveling at high warp.

                                   PICARD (V. O.)
                                  (log entry voice)
                           Enterprise    log,    Stardate
                           41639.2,  we  are   continuing
                           enroute to the Romulan Neutral
                           Zone.  We  have been  assured,
                           however,  that  the   Romulans
                           have  receded   peaceably   to
                           their own  side of  the  zone.
                           Commander Data  suspects  that
                           this is due  to the fact  that
                           the  episode  "Angel  One"  is
                           over, and they  are no  longer
                           needed as  a dramatic  device.
                           We  now  have  a  much  larger
                           problem to deal with ...

                INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE


                Picard is seated  in the centre  chair, TROI beside
                him.  YAR is at tactical, LAFORGE at the conn, DATA
                at ops.   RIKER enters  wearing the outfit  he wore
                for Mistress Beata of Angel One.   He walks down to
                his normal seat.  Many of the crew snicker.

                                       PICARD
                           Number One, why are you  still
                           in that silly outfit?

                                        RIKER
                           I like it.   It makes me  feel
                           ... pretty.

                                       PICARD
                           But it's not regulation.   You
                           don't see Deanna dressing like
                           that on duty do you?

                As Picard turns  toward Troi, she's  busy adjusting
                her outfit to better show off  her cleavage.  Riker
                smiles and Picard hits himself in the head with the
                palm of his hand.   Troi eventually senses everyone
                looking at her,  so she  folds her hands  primly in
                her lap and smiles shyly.

                                       PICARD
                           Look, if  you  two  don't  cut
                           that out,  I'll have  you  put
                           off the bridge.

                Troi harumphs and Riker begins to pout.

                                        DATA
                           Incoming   transmission   from
                           Starfleet  Command,   Captain.
                           Shall I  pipe it  through  all
                           communications channels on the
                           ship?

                Picard looks at Data in shock.

                                       PICARD
                           Uh ... No, Data you shouldn't.
                           I'll take it in my ready room.

                                        DATA
                           Righty ho.

                Data taps a few things on his console.

                                       PICARD
                           Oh, not you too.

                Picard shakes  his  head  in  dismay  as  he  walks
                towards his ready  room.   He hears Troi  and Riker
                giggling behind him.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - READY ROOM


                When Picard arrives he can already  see the face of
                ADMIRAL BROOKS on his computer console.

                                       BROOKS
                           Picard?  Picard where are you?

                Picard rushes over to his desk and sits down.


                                       PICARD
                                      (frantic)
                           Here, Admiral.    I  guess  my
                           operations  manager   switched
                           your    communication     over
                           quicker than he should have.

                                       BROOKS
                           Well,  never  mind  that  now,
                           Picard.  I  have an  important
                           assignment for you.   Are  you
                           acquainted with  Vice  Admiral
                           Richard Kamen?

                                       PICARD
                           Not personally, no, but I have
                           heard of him.   His  daughter,
                           Ensign   LISA   KAMEN   serves
                           aboard the U. S. S. Excalibur,
                           doesn't she?

                                       BROOKS
                           Yes, that's  right.    Anyway,
                           there have  been rumours,  and
                           they're  just  rumours,   mind
                           you, but  there's talk,  which
                           is just  talk, you  know,  but
                           I've heard gossip, and  that's
                           all it is, gossip ...

                                       PICARD
                           I get  the  idea,  sir.    The
                           information's          totally
                           unsubstantiated.

                                       BROOKS
                           Oh, it is?   Well that's  good
                           to hear.  I'm glad you cleared
                           that up.

                                       PICARD
                           Uh ... No, sir ... I was  just
                           demonstrating      that      I
                           understood   what   you   were
                           getting at.    I  still  don't
                           know   what   you're   talking
                           about.

                                       BROOKS
                           Picard, you're such a tease.

                                       PICARD
                           But,  if   you'd   share   the
                           information with me, we  could
                           probably  get   this   special
                           mission underway.

                                       BROOKS
                           Good point,  Picard.   Anyway,
                           I've heard some hearsay ...

                                       PICARD
                           Admiral!

                                       BROOKS
                           Right.  Admiral  Kamen may  be
                           thinking of defecting.

                                       PICARD
                           Defecting?      An    Admiral?
                           Defecting to whom?

                                       BROOKS
                           Are you ready  for this?   The
                           Federation.

                                       PICARD
                           Admiral, we're the Federation.

                                       BROOKS
                           I  wondered   why   the   name
                           sounded familiar.

                                       PICARD
                           And, of  course, Vice  Admiral
                           Kamen  is   already   in   the
                           Federation.

                                       BROOKS
                           What?  He's left already?

                                       PICARD
                                   (condescending)
                           No, sir.   He's  still in  the
                           Federation, just like you  and
                           I.

                                       BROOKS
                           You sure  are  well  informed,
                           Captain  Picard.    I'm   glad
                           you're on our side.

                                       PICARD
                           Your reports  wouldn't  happen
                           to say anything  about any  of
                           the   Federation's    enemies,
                           would  it?    You  know,   the
                           Romulans or something that?

                                       BROOKS
                           Oh, yes, of course.

                                       PICARD
                           At last.

                                       BROOKS
                           Yep,  the  Romulans  certainly
                           are our enemies.

                Picard thunks his head against his desk.

                                       BROOKS
                           Are you alright, Captain?

                                       PICARD
                           Just a bit of a headache.

                                       BROOKS
                           I'd guess so, the way you  hit
                           your head  against  your  desk
                           like that.  Would you like  my
                           advice?

                                       PICARD
                                     (sarcastic)
                           Oh, please.

                                       BROOKS
                           Don't hit  your  head  against
                           your desk like that.

                                       PICARD
                           Thanks a  lot,  Admiral.    Is
                           there anything else?

                                       BROOKS
                           Well,  I'd  avoid  hitting  it
                           against most things, actually.

                                       PICARD
                           No,  sir,  I  meant  is  there
                           anything else  you  needed  to
                           communicate with me about?

                                       BROOKS
                           No, I guess not.  So how  long
                           will  it  take   for  you   to
                           rendez-vous      with      the
                           Excalibur?

                                       PICARD
                           What?

                                       BROOKS
                                     (shouting)
                           HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR  YOU
                           TO   RENDEZ-VOUS   WITH    THE
                           EXCALIBUR?

                                       PICARD
                           I was unaware we were supposed
                           to   rendez-vous   with    the
                           Excalibur.

                                       BROOKS
                                      (angered)
                           Damnit,  Picard,  haven't  you
                           listened to a  word I've  been
                           saying?  Vice Admiral Kamen is
                           going to defect!

                                       PICARD
                           So?

                                       BROOKS
                           So?  SO?   So we have to  stop
                           him?

                                       PICARD
                           I'll do anything  I can.   How
                           can I help?

                                       BROOKS
                           The  key   is  his   daughter.
                           Right now she's single, but  I
                           figure if  she  were  married,
                           possibly  to  a  real  up  and
                           comer, he'd have to stay.

                                       PICARD
                           Whom did you  have in mind  to
                           marry her?

                                       BROOKS
                           You, Captain.

                                       PICARD
                                   (flabbergasted)
                           Me?

                                       BROOKS
                           Or  Captain   K'reth  of   the
                           Excalibur.      You're    both
                           qualified   to   perform   the
                           ceremony.

                                       PICARD
                           But who will be the groom?

                                       BROOKS
                           I don't  know.   Pick  one  of
                           your crew,  whoever you  think
                           she'd like.  I don't know  the
                           young lady  in  question,  but
                           I'm guessing she'd prefer  one
                           of your male officers.

                                       PICARD
                           Why one of  my officers?   Why
                           not just use someone from  the
                           Excalibur?

                                       BROOKS
                           I wanted to  avoid a  conflict
                           of  interest,   since   Ensign
                           Kamen  won't   be  under   the
                           direct command of any of  your
                           officers.

                                       PICARD
                           I suppose  that  makes  sense,
                           but  isn't  there  any   other
                           ships  whose  officers   could
                           serve in the role?

                                       BROOKS
                           I suppose there are, but  it'd
                           be pretty  pointless  to  have
                           them do it.

                                       PICARD
                           Why is that, Admiral?

                                       BROOKS
                           Well the  show is  about  your
                           ship, not  some  other  bloody
                           ship.    Get   in  the   game,
                           Picard.

                                       PICARD
                           Uh ... Yeah,  right.  Has  the
                           Excalibur been informed of the
                           situation?

                                       BROOKS
                           Yes, they have.

                                       PICARD
                           What's their  opinion  of  the
                           circumstances.

                                       BROOKS
                           Well, they'd  rather the  show
                           was about them, but they can't
                           have everything.  Now when are
                           you going to rendez-vous?

                                       PICARD
                           Right  away,  Admiral.    I'll
                           communicate with the Excalibur
                           and let you know the timing.

                                       BROOKS
                           Good.     Do  you   have   any
                           candidates in mind?

                                       PICARD
                                        (sly)
                           Yes, Admiral,  I do.    Picard
                           out.

                The image  of Brooks  disappears from  the computer
                console.  Picard adopts a wry grin.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE


                Picard walks out onto  the bridge.   Riker and Troi
                are busy tossing  a datapad  back and forth,  and a
                frustrated WES  CRUSHER  is  running  between  them
                trying to get the datapad back  from them.  LaForge
                is seated with his  feet up on the  helm.  WORF and
                Yar are wrestling for the tactical position.

                                        DATA
                           Computer, E-7.

                                       PICARD
                           Ahem!

                When the  bridge  crew  notices Picard's  presence,
                they scramble to  get back into  position.  LaForge
                takes his feet off the helm.  Worf and Yar stand at
                attention, but  continue  to  surreptitiously  slap
                each other  when  they  think  no  one is  looking.
                Riker, Troi and Wes scramble  for the centre seats.
                Riker and Troi get  to their normal  seats, but Wes
                mistakenly sits in the Captain's chair.  He gets up
                immediately and tries  to sit  in the  chair beside
                Troi, but she  swings it  around backwards.   After
                almost falling  down,  Wes  instead  just  sits  on
                Troi's lap.  Everyone tries to look innocent.

                                       PICARD
                           That's better.

                Picard begins walking towards his chair.  The sound
                of a  photon  torpedo firing  is  heard.   Everyone
                turns to look at  the viewscreen.   An explosion is
                seen in the distance.

                                   COMPUTER (V.O.)
                           Commander Data, you have  sunk
                           my battleship.

                                        DATA
                               (putting his arms up in
                                      victory)
                           Woohoo.

                                       PICARD
                                       (angry)
                           Mr. Data!

                Data turns to look  at Picard staring  back at him.
                He  then   turns  back   to  his   station  looking
                sufficiently admonished.  Picard  turns to Worf and
                Yar.

                                       PICARD
                           Would one of you, and I  don't
                           care  which,  get  a  hold  of
                           Captain K'Reth of the U. S. S.
                           Excalibur on subspace?

                Worf and Yar  look at  each other menacingly.   Yar
                then takes a  step back and  allows Worf to  do it.
                Worf smiles in satisfaction  and then starts typing
                on the tactical console.   Worf gets  a major shock
                from  the  console  and  jumps  back  in  surprise.
                Everyone else on the  bridge, except Picard, begins
                laughing.  Yar walks up to the console and disables
                her little booby trap and then makes the call.

                                         YAR
                           The Excalibur  is  responding,
                           Captain.

                                       PICARD
                           On screen, Lieutenant.

                                         YAR
                           Aye, sir.

                The image of  the Bolian  Captain of  the Excalibur
                appears on the screen.

                                       K'RETH
                           Ah, Captain  Picard,  good  to
                           hear from you again.

                                       PICARD
                           We've never met before.

                                       K'RETH
                           All the better.

                                       PICARD
                           Admiral  Brooks  has  informed
                           you of the situation?

                                       K'RETH
                           What situation  is that  then,
                           Captain?

                                       PICARD
                           Not you too.

                                       K'RETH
                           Gesundheit.

                Picard hangs his head in frustration.

                                       PICARD
                           Is Ensign  Kamen  aboard  your
                           vessel?

                                       K'RETH
                           Yes, she is.  Just a moment.

                K'Reth hits his communicator.

                                       K'RETH
                                      (calling)
                           Ensign Kamen.

                                    KAMEN (V. O.)
                           Kamen here, go ahead, sir.

                                       K'RETH
                           There's a call for you, Ensign
                           ... It's a Captain.

                Several of  the members  on the  Excalibur's giggle
                and make cat calls.

                                    KAMEN (V. O.)
                           I'll take it  in my  quarters,
                           sir.

                Some more giggling and cat calls are heard.

                                       K'RETH
                           She'll  be   right  with   you
                           Captain Picard.

                                       PICARD
                           No, Captain, wait ...

                K'Reth  disappears  from  the   viewscreen  and  is
                replaced by the image of Kamen.

                                        KAMEN
                           May I help you, sir?

                                       PICARD
                           Well, actually  I was  talking
                           to your Captain.  I'm not sure
                           why he transferred me to you.

                                        DATA
                           Captain Picard, you asked  him
                           to, sir.

                                       PICARD
                           No I didn't.

                                        RIKER
                           With all due respect, you did,
                           sir.  We all heard you.

                                       PICARD
                              (frustrated, speaking to
                                       Kamen)
                           Look, I  did  not.   I  simply
                           asked if you were aboard.

                                        KAMEN
                                     (indignant)
                           I don't see why you're getting
                           mad at me, Captain.

                                       PICARD
                                    (frustrated)
                           I'm not mad!

                Picard takes a moment to compose himself.

                                       PICARD
                           I'm not  mad at  you,  Ensign,
                           I'm  simply   a   little   bit
                           frustrated  from  talking   to
                           your Captain.

                                        KAMEN
                           So  what  is  it  you  wanted,
                           anyway, sir?

                                       PICARD
                           We are supposed to rendez-vous
                           with your ship.

                                        KAMEN
                           I know.  We're already on  our
                           way.   Didn't  Admiral  Brooks
                           tell you to wait there for us?

                                       PICARD
                           No, it must  have slipped  his
                           mind.

                                        KAMEN
                           Well, I guess I'll see you  in
                           just over an hour.  Kamen out.

                Kamen smiles  and then  her visage  disappears from
                the screen.  It is replaced by a starfield.

                                        RIKER
                                     (jokingly)
                           Picard's  got  a   girlfriend.
                           Picard's got a girlfriend.

                                       PICARD
                           Put a sock in it, Number One.

                Picard finally  completes  his  trek  over  to  the
                Captain's chair, and slumps down into it.  He looks
                towards Troi and Wes.  Wes  is still on Troi's lap.
                Troi had placed his datapad  halfway down the front
                of her uniform.  Every so often Wes tries to make a
                grab for  it, and  every time  Troi slaps  his hand
                away.

                                       PICARD
                                    (exasperated)
                           Counselor, give  the boy  back
                           his datapad.

                                         WES
                           My name's Wesley, Captain.

                                       PICARD
                           Fine then, Wesley.  Counselor,
                           give me that datapad.

                Wes makes one  final grab  for the datapad,  but in
                one deft motion Troi  slaps his hand  away and then
                takes the pad out herself  and hands it reluctantly
                to Picard.  He  puts it down at  his side away from
                Troi and Wes.

                                       PICARD
                           Thank you.

                                        RIKER
                                     (taunting)
                           Deanna and Wesley sitting in a
                           chair, K-I-S-S-I-N ... Gare.

                                         YAR
                           Gare?

                                        RIKER
                                     (shrugging)
                           It rhymes with chair.

                                       PICARD
                           Number One?

                                        RIKER
                           Yes, Captain?

                                       PICARD
                           I've got good news for you.

                                        RIKER
                           Really, sir?  What is it?

                                       PICARD
                           Your getting married.

                                        RIKER
                             (jovially, looking at Troi)
                           Oh, really?  To whom?

                                       PICARD
                           Ensign Kamen.

                                        RIKER
                           Isn't  that  nice.    And  why
                           would that be?

                                       PICARD
                           Because  Admiral  Brooks   has
                           ordered you to.

                                        RIKER
                                    (bewildered)
                           Oh yeah?   Uh ... Captain,  is
                           there a punchline coming along
                           here at some point?

                                       PICARD
                           No, Number One.

                                        RIKER
                           Well, I'm just not doing it.

                                       PICARD
                           Yes, you are, Will.

                                        RIKER
                           Why   me?      Was   it   that
                           girlfriend comment?

                                       PICARD
                           Frankly, yes.   That and  that
                           stupid  outfit   you've   been
                           wearing.

                                        RIKER
                           Well, you can't make me.

                                       PICARD
                           Of course I  can.   Lieutenant
                           Yar, Lieutenant Worf, get down
                           here.

                Worf and Yar come down  from the tactical position,
                jostling each other all the way.

                                    YAR AND WORF
                                     (in unison)
                           Yes, sir?

                                       PICARD
                           Let's escort  Commander  Riker
                           down  to   Cargo  Bay   Three.
                           He'll remain  there until  the
                           Excalibur arrives.

                                    YAR AND WORF
                                     (in unison)
                           Aye, sir.

                                         YAR
                           Commander  Riker,   if   you'd
                           please stand up.

                Riker defiantly crosses his  arms across his chest.
                Yar and Worf nod  to each other and  then each grab
                an elbow  and pull  him to  his  feet.   They start
                dragging him off  to the turbolift.   Picard stands
                up and follows them.  As Picard starts up the ramp,
                both Troi and Wes immediately  grab for the datapad
                that Picard had left on the  Captain's chair.  Troi
                gets to it first and sits  back down, again placing
                it down her top.

                                       PICARD
                           Stop horsing around, you two.

                                         WES
                           Yes, Captain.

                Wes stays  standing.   Picard enters  the turbolift
                with the three others.

                                        DATA
                           Captain, aren't  you going  to
                           assign someone to command?

                                       PICARD
                           One of  you people?   I  don't
                           think so.

                                        DATA
                           It is regulations.

                                       PICARD
                           Righty ho,  as you  said,  Mr.
                           Data.  Mr.  Crusher, you  have
                           the bridge.

                                         WES
                                      (proudly)
                           Yes, sir.

                                        WORF
                                  (quietly to Yar)
                           Why are we bringing Riker down
                           to the cargo bay to watch him?

                                         YAR
                           So he can  try to escape,  you
                           idiot.

                Worf hiccups  just  as the  turbolift  doors close.
                Wes takes  the centre  seat.   He's smiling  like a
                fool.

                                         WES
                           Counselor?

                He puts his hand out, expecting her to give him the
                datapad.  She looks at his hand  for a moment.  She
                then takes his hand with hers and uses it to get up
                and then she sits in his lap.  He tries to take the
                datapad from her with his other hand, but she slaps
                it away.

                                        TROI
                           Nice try, Boner Boy.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - CARGO BAY


                Worf and Yar carry Riker into  the cargo bay.  When
                they  are  inside,  they  push  Riker  in  further.
                Picard enters after them.

                                       PICARD
                           You know, Riker, some day  all
                           this will be yours.

                                        RIKER
                           The cargo bay?

                                       PICARD
                           No, not  the  cargo  bay,  the
                           whole ship.  This will be your
                           ship, Riker.

                                        RIKER
                           But Doctor ...

                                       PICARD
                           Captain.  I'm your Captain.

                                        RIKER
                           But Captain, I don't want  the
                           ship.

                                       PICARD
                           Look,  Riker,  the  Enterprise
                           ships   have   had   a   grand
                           history.  Before them all  the
                           Federation   had   was   cargo
                           vessels.  The Klingons thought
                           Starfleet was  crazy to  built
                           the first  Enterprise, but  we
                           built it, just  to show  them.
                           Eventually we had  to blow  it
                           up to stop them from  boarding
                           it.   So they  built a  second
                           one, and  then  decommissioned
                           it.  So they built a third one
                           and they lost it.  They  built
                           a  fourth  and  that  one  was
                           boarded  by  Klingons,   right
                           next to a  supernova and  then
                           was     destroyed     fighting
                           Romulans.  But  the fifth  one
                           is still  here.   That's  what
                           you'll   get,    Riker,    the
                           strongest ship in the fleet.

                                        RIKER
                           But I  don't want  a ship  ...
                           I'd rather

                                       PICARD
                           Rather what?

                                        RIKER
                                      (grandly)
                           I'd rather ... just ...

                Orchestral music begins in the background.

                                        RIKER
                           ... Sing!

                                       PICARD
                           Computer, stop music.

                The music ends abruptly.

                                       PICARD
                           Look, Commander,  there'll  be
                           no breaking  into song  on  my
                           ship, I'll tell  you that  for
                           nothing.   Look, in  about  an
                           hour  and  a  half  you'll  be
                           marrying a woman whose  father
                           is a Vice Admiral in Starfleet
                           Command.

                                        RIKER
                           But I don't like Starfleet.

                                       PICARD
                           Listen, LaForge.

                                        RIKER
                           Riker!

                                       PICARD
                           Riker.  We're  on a  starship.
                           We  need   to   suck   up   to
                           Starfleet Command all we can.

                                        RIKER
                           But I don't like her ...

                                       PICARD
                           Don't like her?  What's  wrong
                           with her?    She's  beautiful,
                           she's well  positioned,  she's
                           got huge ...  a family with  a
                           huge amount of influence.

                                        RIKER
                           I know, but  I want the  woman
                           that I  marry  to have  ...  a
                           certain .. special ...

                The orchestral music resumes.

                                        RIKER
                           ... Something ...

                                       PICARD
                           Computer, disable music.

                The music stops.

                                       PICARD
                           Look, you're  marrying  Ensign
                           Kamen,  so  you'd  better  get
                           used to the idea.

                Picard slaps Riker  upside the head  and then walks
                towards the door.  Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                                      (to Worf)
                           Okay, I'm  going back  to  the
                           bridge, heaven help me.   Make
                           sure Riker  doesn't leave  the
                           cargo bay until I come and get
                           him.

                                         YAR
                           Not to leave the room even  if
                           you come and get him.

                Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                           No, no.  Until I come and  get
                           him.

                                         YAR
                           And you'll come and get him.

                Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                           Right.

                                         YAR
                           We don't need to do  anything,
                           apart  from   just  stop   him
                           entering the cargo bay.

                                       PICARD
                           No, no.    Leaving  the  cargo
                           bay.

                                         YAR
                           Leaving the cargo bay, yes.

                                       PICARD
                           All right?

                                         YAR
                           Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh,  if-
                           if-if, uh, if-if-we ...

                                       PICARD
                           Yes, what is it?

                                         YAR
                           Oh, if-if, oh ...

                                       PICARD
                           Look, it's quite simple.

                                         YAR
                           Uh ...

                                       PICARD
                           You just stay  here, and  make
                           sure  he  doesn't  leave   the
                           cargo bay.  All right?

                Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                           Right.

                                         YAR
                           Oh, I  remember.   Uh, can  he
                           leave the room with us?

                                       PICARD
                           N-No, no, no.   You just  keep
                           him in here, and make sure ...

                                         YAR
                           Oh, yes,  we'll  keep  him  in
                           here, obviously.   But  if  he
                           had to leave and we were ...

                                       PICARD
                           No, no, just keep him in  here
                           ...

                                         YAR
                           Until you, or anyone else ...

                                       PICARD
                           No, not anyone  else, just  me
                           ...

                                         YAR
                           Just you.

                Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                           Get back.

                                         YAR
                           Get back.

                                       PICARD
                           Right?

                                         YAR
                           Right, we'll  stay here  until
                           you get back.

                                       PICARD
                           And, uh, make sure he  doesn't
                           leave.

                                         YAR
                           What?

                                       PICARD
                           Make sure he doesn't leave.

                                         YAR
                           Commander Riker?

                                       PICARD
                           Yes,  make  sure  he   doesn't
                           leave.

                                         YAR
                           Oh, yes, of course.  I thought
                           you meant him.

                Yar motions to Worf.

                                         YAR
                           Y'know,  it   seemed   a   bit
                           stupid, me having to guard him
                           when he's a guard.

                                       PICARD
                           Is that clear?

                Worf hiccups.

                                         YAR
                           Oh, quite clear, no problems.

                                       PICARD
                           Right.

                Picard starts  to  leave.    Yar  and Worf  follow.
                Picard stops.

                                       PICARD
                           Where are you going?

                                         YAR
                           We're coming with you.

                                       PICARD
                           No, no,  I  want you  to  stay
                           here and make sure he  doesn't
                           leave.

                                         YAR
                           Oh, I see, right.

                                        RIKER
                           But Captain.

                                       PICARD
                           And you  shut  up.    And  get
                           ready for your wedding! And no
                           singing!

                Worf hiccups.

                                       PICARD
                           Oh, go  and  get  a  glass  of
                           water.

                Picard exits.   Worf goes  to the replicator  for a
                beverage.  Riker  watches Yar carefully.   Yar just
                smiles back pleasantly.   Riker backs  towards some
                of the equipment,  a probe,  in the  corner, always
                watching Yar.   Worf  returns to  his  position and
                drinks his water.   Riker  activates the  probe and
                casually types something  into its console.   After
                completing his  typing, he  walks casually  over to
                the cargo  transporter,  still  watching  Yar.   He
                types instructions  into  the  transporter and  the
                probe vanishes.

                EXT. ENTERPRISE


                The probe  appears just  outside of  the Enterprise
                and after a moment its engines engage and it blasts
                away.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE


                The probe  can  be  seen on  the  viewscreen  as it
                leaves.

                                       LAFORGE
                           Ohhh!  Look at that.

                Wes stops trying to get the  datapad back from Troi
                (or at least I  think that's what  he's doing), and
                looks at the viewscreen.

                                         WES
                           Mr. Data,  who  launched  that
                           probe?

                                        DATA
                           I have no idea, Boner Boy.

                                         WES
                           Stop calling  me that.    Only
                           the  Betazoid  Bitch  gets  to
                           call me that, Tin Can.

                                        DATA
                           Yeah, yeah.   Big talk.   Just
                           for that I'm gonna blow it up.

                Data  starts  typing  on  his  console.    Just  as
                quickly, Wes  flicks  open  the  armrest and  types
                stuff into his console.

                                        DATA
                           Hey, you overrode my commands,
                           Little Man.

                                         WES
                           So?   What  are you  gonna  do
                           about it, Robot?

                                        DATA
                           Must I  remind you  that I  am
                           not a robot?

                                         WES
                           Good point.  A robot would  be
                           way  better   than  you,   you
                           Toaster.

                Data gets up out of his chair.

                                        DATA
                           Why I oughta ...

                                         WES
                           Yeah?    You  and  whose  star
                           fleet?

                                        DATA
                           Nobody, just me.

                Data starts coming at Wes  menacingly.  Wes bravely
                hides behind Troi.

                                        TROI
                           Hey!

                Wes quickly makes  a grab  from behind her  for the
                datapad.

                                         WES
                           Aha!

                But goes  for  the  wrong  side  and just  grabs  a
                handful of breast.

                                        TROI
                           Hey!

                                         WES
                           Oops!

                Troi turns  around  and  slaps  Wes  in  the  face.
                Picard comes onto the bridge.

                                       PICARD
                           Everything  running   smoothly
                           here  on   the   bridge,   Mr.
                           Crusher.

                                         WES
                           Mr. Data  was  just  going  to
                           kill me  and  I just  felt  up
                           Counselor Troi, sir.

                                       PICARD
                           That's good, Wes.  Carry on.

                                         WES
                           Yes,  sir,   oh  Captain,   my
                           Captain.

                Picard starts heading for the ready room.

                EXT. SWASHBUCKLER


                Colonel Lanzelot sits  in the command  chair of the
                Sycaran Starship  Swashbuckler  (Kulibhrer  class).
                He watches the  Swashbuckler's Companion  ship, the
                Concorde (Veagtok class),  run through  it's paces,
                swerving in and out between moons and planets.

                INT. SWASHBUCKLER - BRIDGE


                                      LANZELOT
                                    (to himself)
                           Well, taken,  Concorde!    And
                           again ... Around we go.  Good.
                           Steady!   And  now  the  sharp
                           one.  Ah!  Come on, Concorde!

                While in the  middle of  a difficult turn,  a probe
                comes unexpectedly into  the path of  the Concorde,
                and they  collide,  with  a spectacular  explosion.
                The Concorde is in ruins.

                                COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER
                           Incoming message for you  sir,
                           from the Concorde.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Put it on screen.

                The image  of  the Concorde's  shattered  bridge is
                shown on the viewscreen.  In the middle of the ruin
                is the Captain of the Concorde.   He doesn't appear
                to be in the greatest health.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Concorde! Concorde,  speak  to
                           me!

                Suddenly  a  transmission  from  the  probe  breaks
                through onto  the  communications channel.    It is
                displayed as text on the viewscreen.

                                      LANZELOT
                              (reading from the screen)
                           To whoever finds this note,  I
                           have  been  imprisoned  by  my
                           Captain,  who  wishes  me   to
                           marry   against    my    will.
                           Please,  please,  please  come
                           and rescue me.   I  am in  the
                           cargo  bay  of  the   Starship
                           Enterprise.

                The transmission  breaks  up and  the  view  of the
                Concorde's bridge is seen again.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Aha, a cry of distress!   This
                           could lead us  to great  glory
                           for the Lord General.   Brave,
                           brave Concorde!  You shall not
                           have been destroyed in vain!

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                           Uh, it's not quite  destroyed,
                           sir.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well, your  vessel  shall  not
                           have   been   damaged   beyond
                           repair in vain!

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                           Uh, I-I think uh, we could fix
                           most of the damage, sir.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Oh, I see.

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                           Actually,  I  think  we  could
                           patch this up  in a jiffy  and
                           escort you.

                                      LANZELOT
                           No, no, sweet Concorde!   Stay
                           here!   I will  send a  rescue
                           craft  as  soon   as  I   have
                           accomplished  a   daring   and
                           heroic  rescue   in   my   own
                           particular ...

                Lanzelot sighs.

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                           Idiom, sir?

                                      LANZELOT
                           Idiom!

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                           No,  we've  got  most  of  the
                           major   damage    fixed    up,
                           actually, sir.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Farewell, sweet Concorde!

                The transmission on the viewscreen is closed down.

                EXT. SWASHBUCKLER


                The  Swashbuckler  cloaks,   leaving  the  Concorde
                alone.

                INT. CONCORDE - BRIDGE


                The Concorde  Captain  clears the  debris  from his
                command chair and then sits down.

                                  CONCORDE CAPTAIN
                                    (to himself)
                           We'll ...  uh ...  We'll  just
                           stay here, then, shall I, sir?
                           Yeah.

                EXT. ENTERPRISE


                The Enterprise  has been  joined by  the Ambassador
                class ship,  the Excalibur.   After  a  moment, the
                Excalibur warps out of the system.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - TRANSPORTER ROOM


                Picard is waiting  as Ensign  Kamen appears  on the
                transporter pad.  He walks forward to greet her.

                                       PICARD
                           Ah, Ensign, it  is so good  to
                           finally meet  you  in  person.
                           How was your trip?

                                        KAMEN
                           Alright.

                                       PICARD
                           Oh,  and  how's  your  father?
                           He's still a Vice Admiral,  is
                           he?

                                        KAMEN
                           Last time I looked, yes.

                                       PICARD
                           Oh, good.   Tell  me,  Shelly.
                           May I call you Shelly?

                                        KAMEN
                           I  suppose,  but  my  name  is
                           Lisa.

                                       PICARD
                           Right, Lisa, of  course.   So,
                           tell me, Shelly,  do you  know
                           why you're here?

                                        KAMEN
                           Yes.   I was  standing on  the
                           transporter   pad    on    the
                           Excalibur,  it  was  activated
                           and it  disassembled my  atoms
                           and reassembled them over here
                           on      the       Enterprise's
                           transporter pad.

                Kamen points towards the transporter pads.

                                       PICARD
                           No, no.  What I mean is do you
                           know why you were brought here
                           by the Excalibur?

                                        KAMEN
                           For an arranged marriage,  the
                           justification of which I  find
                           extremely feeble.

                                       PICARD
                           Yes, well, let's just put that
                           on one side, for the moment.

                                        KAMEN
                           Alright.  I mean, I have  been
                           ordered  to  marry  this  man,
                           whoever he is, for the good of
                           Starfleet and the  Federation,
                           so I'm going to do it.

                                       PICARD
                           That's  good.    You'll   like
                           Commander   Riker.        He's
                           handsome and  a  real  up  and
                           coming officer.

                                        KAMEN
                           Riker?      Isn't   he    that
                           womanizer  who's   career   is
                           stalled so that he can stay on
                           the Enterprise?

                                       PICARD
                           Ah, you've heard of him  then.
                           Splendid.  This way.

                Picard begins leading her towards the door.

                                       PICARD
                           I've   had   some    extremely
                           luxurious  quarters   prepared
                           for you.  You'll love them.

                Picard and Kamen exit.

                EXT. ENTERPRISE


                Beside the  Enterprise,  the  Swashbuckler suddenly
                decloaks, and begins firing on the Enterprise

                INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE


                The bridge crew is being knocked around.  Wes takes
                the opportunity to grab the datapad from Troi.

                                         WES
                           Got it!

                                        DATA
                           Orders, Mr. Crusher?

                                         WES
                           Well, stop  all  this  shaking
                           for one thing.  Troi's already
                           heavy enough.

                                        TROI
                           Hey!

                                        DATA
                           I  mean  about  the  attacking
                           vessel.

                                         WES
                           Well, if  they  want  to  stop
                           shaking,    I'd    have     no
                           objection.

                                        DATA
                           Listen  you   spoiled   little
                           twit,   are   you   gonna   do
                           something or not.

                                         WES
                           Yeah, uh, signal our surrender
                           and lower  our shields  so  we
                           can be boarded.

                                        DATA
                           What?

                                         WES
                           You heard me.

                                        DATA
                           But why  would  we  surrender?
                           We've got one  of the  biggest
                           floating   arsenals   in   the
                           galaxy.  What's  the point  of
                           surrender?

                                         WES
                           Look, we  could exchange  fire
                           with them, but  it'd move  the
                           plot  of   this  thing   along
                           faster if  we  just  let  them
                           beam over  now.   Then we  can
                           get back to more fun things.

                                        TROI
                           You've  been  peeking  at  the
                           script again, haven't you?

                Wes shrugs.

                                        DATA
                           Surrendering   and    dropping
                           shields, aye.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - CARGO BAY


                Colonel Lanzelot  beams into  the cargo  bay, armed
                with a blaster.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Ha-ha!

                                         YAR
                           Now,  you're  not  allowed  to
                           come in here, unless ...

                Lanzelot fires  his blaster  at Yar.    She smashes
                against the wall.   He blasts Worf as  well.  Riker
                is turned to watch the guards fall.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Oh,  fair  one,  behold   your
                           humble    servant,     Colonel
                           Lanzelot of the  Swashbuckler.
                           I have come to ...

                Riker turns towards Lanzelot.

                                      LANZELOT
                           ... Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

                                        RIKER
                           You found my probe!

                                      LANZELOT
                           Uh, well, I found a probe.

                                        RIKER
                           You've come to rescue me!

                                      LANZELOT
                           Uh, well, no, you see ...

                                        RIKER
                           I knew someone  would, I  knew
                           that somewhere  out there  ...
                           there must be ...

                Music resumes.

                                        RIKER
                           ... Someone ...

                Picard enters.

                                       PICARD
                           Computer,  disable  all  music
                           commands,  code  Picard  Alpha
                           One.

                The music stops.

                                       PICARD
                           Who are you?

                                        RIKER
                           I'm your first officer!

                                       PICARD
                           No, not you.

                                      LANZELOT
                           I'm Colonel Lanzelot, sir.

                                        RIKER
                           He's  come   to   rescue   me,
                           Captain.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well,  let's   not   jump   to
                           conclusions.

                                       PICARD
                           Did you kill those guards?

                                      LANZELOT
                           Uh ... oh, yes ... Sorry.

                                       PICARD
                           They cost fifty  bars of  gold
                           pressed latinum, each.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well, I'm  awfully sorry,  I'm
                           ...  I   really  can   explain
                           everything.

                                        RIKER
                           Don't  be   afraid   of   him,
                           Colonel Lanzelot,  I've go  an
                           escape pod all ready!

                Riker opens the access panel for an escape pod.  He
                begins priming it for launch.

                                       PICARD
                           You   killed   eight   wedding
                           guests in all  when you  fired
                           on the Enterprise!

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well, you see, the thing is, I
                           thought your first officer was
                           a lady.

                                       PICARD
                           Well, I  can  understand  that
                           lately.

                                        RIKER
                           Hurry,    Colonel    Lanzelot!
                           Hurry!

                Riker gets half into the pod.

                                       PICARD
                           Shut up!  You only killed  the
                           bride's father, that's all!

                                      LANZELOT
                           I did not.

                                       PICARD
                           No?

                                      LANZELOT
                           No.  We couldn't figure a good
                           way to get that in, so we gave
                           it a miss.

                                       PICARD
                           Fair enough.    Ah,  but  your
                           attacks did in fact knock  the
                           bride  against   a   bulkhead.
                           That'll cost me a fortune,  or
                           at least a promotion.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well, I can explain.  I was in
                           Beta   Tasman   system,    um,
                           running a tactical simulation,
                           when I found  this probe,  you
                           see ...

                                       PICARD
                           Beta  Tasman?     Are  you   a
                           Solinae warrior then?

                                        RIKER
                           Hurry, Colonel Lanzelot!

                                      LANZELOT
                           Uh, I am a warrior of the Lord
                           General, sir.

                                       PICARD
                           Pretty  nice  sector,  Tasman.
                           Good military sector, I hear.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Yes.

                                        RIKER
                           Hurry, I'm ready!

                                       PICARD
                           Would you,  uh, like  to  come
                           and  have  a   drink  in   Ten
                           Forward?

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well, that's, uh, awfully nice
                           of you.

                                        RIKER
                           I am ready!

                Only Riker's head  remains outside the  escape pod.
                Lanzelot moves towards the pod.

                                      LANZELOT
                           ...   I   mean   to   be,   so
                           understanding.

                Riker takes out the sword that was at his waist and
                hits Riker with  the pommel, knocking  him into the
                pod all the way.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Um, I think  when I'm in  this
                           idiom, I sometimes get a  bit,
                           uh, sort of carried away.

                                       PICARD
                           Oh, don't worry about that.

                Picard and Lanzelot walk out of  the cargo bay, but
                at the door, Picard stops to key in the sequence to
                launch the  escape pod.   The  door  of the  pod is
                still open.  Picard and Lanzelot exit.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - TEN FORWARD


                Picard and Lanzelot enter.

                                       PICARD
                           Well,  this  is  Ten  Forward.
                           We're  thinking  of  have  the
                           whole deck level combined into
                           one big, uh, living room.

                                       GUINAN
                           There he is!

                                       PICARD
                           Who?

                                       GUINAN
                           Y'Know, the guy, there.

                She points to Lanzelot.

                                       PICARD
                           What are you talking about?

                                       GUINAN
                           I don't know.   Forget I  said
                           anything.

                Kamen walks up to Picard and Lanzelot.

                                        KAMEN
                           Is this Commander Riker?  He's
                           better looking  that I'd  been
                           lead  to  believe.    Everyone
                           here's been  telling  me  that
                           he'd gone effeminate.

                                       PICARD
                           Uh,  no.    This  is   Colonel
                           Lanzelot.

                                        KAMEN
                                   (disbelieving)
                           Lanzelot?   You've got  to  be
                           kidding.

                                       PICARD
                           Just go with it.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Truly thou must be the  lovely
                           creature  which  I  have  come
                           many light  years  and  fought
                           great battle  to find.    And,
                           you  know,   all  that   kinda
                           stuff.

                                       PICARD
                           Best you could do, eh?

                                      LANZELOT
                           If I wasn't  wearing all  this
                           armour, I  could show  her  my
                           biceps.

                                        KAMEN
                           I  don't   think  that'll   be
                           necessary.   You'll  do  fine.
                           Let's just get hitched.

                                       PICARD
                           Of course, if  you marry  him,
                           it won't do much to keep  your
                           father,   Admiral   Kamen   in
                           Starfleet.

                                      LANZELOT
                           You are  Vice Admiral  Kamen's
                           daughter?

                                        KAMEN
                           Yep.

                                      LANZELOT
                           Well,  this  works  out  well,
                           then.   He  just  defected  to
                           Solinae.     The   plans   and
                           information  he   stole   will
                           bring   the   glory   of   the
                           conquest of the Federation  to
                           the Lord  General.   Come,  my
                           lady.  I invite you to  rejoin
                           your father on Solinae.

                                        KAMEN
                           Sounds good  to  me.    Adios,
                           Picard.

                                       PICARD
                           Hastala go away now, Shelly.

                Kamen and Lanzelot transport off the Enterprise.

                EXT. ENTERPRISE


                The Swashbuckler cloaks.

                INT. ENTERPRISE - BRIDGE


                Picard walks  onto  the bridge.    Troi  is sitting
                astride Wes, facing him.  Wes is still playing keep
                away with the datapad.  Picard walks over and grabs
                it from him.

                                       PICARD
                           What is this anyway?

                                         WES
                           Copy of the script.

                                       PICARD
                           Figures.

                Picard notices that Wes and  Troi are still playing
                some form of game, even though  neither of them has
                the datapad.

                                       PICARD
                           Look, take it somewhere  else,
                           you two.

                                         WES
                           Like where?  I can't take  her
                           to my  quarters, because  they
                           adjoin  my  Mom's,  and   they
                           haven't  built  the  set   for
                           Deanna's quarters  yet.   It's
                           only the first season.

                                       PICARD
                           Fine, use my  ready room,  but
                           just get out of here.

                Wes and  Deanna run  hand  in hand  into  the ready
                room.

                                        DATA
                           Did the wedding go off without
                           a hitch?

                                       PICARD
                           Yes, I suppose  you could  say
                           that.  The wedding is off, and
                           no one got hitched, anyway.

                                        DATA
                           And Commander Riker?

                                       PICARD
                           He's dead.

                Riker stumbles onto the bridge.

                                        RIKER
                           I'm  not   quite  dead,   yet,
                           Captain.

                Picard spins about quickly,  drawing his phaser and
                blasts Riker into oblivion.

                                       PICARD
                           As I was saying, Riker's dead.

                Picard starts walking off towards the ready room.

                                        DATA
                           Sir, you just sent the hormone
                           twins in there.

                                       PICARD
                           Thank you, Mr. Data.

                Picard diverts  and  exits  through  the  turbolift
                instead.

                INT. PARAMOUNT STUDIOS - HALLWAY


                PATRICK STEWART exits the Enterprise bridge set and
                begins walking away down a hallway.  LOLITA hurries
                up beside him and hands him a cup.

                                       STEWART
                           Thanks, Lolita.    You're  the
                           best coffee  girl  we've  ever
                           had.

                                       LOLITA
                           Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

                                       STEWART
                           Say, you've  usually got  your
                           ear to  the  ground.   Do  you
                           have any idea  who wrote  that
                           crap?

                                       LOLITA
                           I'd rather not say, sir.

                                       STEWART
                           I don't blame  you.  See  you,
                           Lolita.

                                       LOLITA
                           Bye, bye, Mr. Stewart.

                Stewart walks around  the corner and  out of sight.
                Lolita returns to the coffee table.

                FADE OUT:

                                       THE END