Star Wars:

Not Another Jedi Movie

by

Robert Roy

      wildride@nerdshack.com

FADE IN:

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...."

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the MAIN TITLE, followed by a ROLL UP, which crawls up into infinity.

"STAR WARS: NOT ANOTHER JEDI MOVIE"

"It is a troubling time for the Republic.  The taxation of trade routes has lead to the blockade of the small planet of NABOO.  Obviously if the most interesting thing going on is a discussion of taxation, that's pretty troubling in and of itself.  So, to spice things up the CHANCELLOR of the Senate has dispatched jedi knight OBI-WAN KENOBI in lieu of a qualified candidate.  If you want someone's arm chopped off, send a jedi, but outside of rapid limb removal their negotiation skills are somewhat limited.  

Opinions are mixed on whether the Chancellor chose this path because he had gone senile, perhaps under the added stress of the bureaucrats blocking his every attempt to achieve anything practical in the senate, or whether he'd just gotten plastered one night with a bunch of jedi knights.  Something about uttering the phrase, 'Who will rid me of this turbulent VICEROY?  Was mentioned, but just in passing."

EXT. SPACE - NABOO ORBIT

The small planet of Naboo is surrounded by a blockade of Trade Federation starships.  A shuttle approaches the lead ship.

INT. REPUBLIC SHUTTLE

The PILOT and CO-PILOT of the shuttle are seated at the controls of the shuttle, performing tasks to land it in their landing bay.  Obi-Wan is seated in the passenger area.

PILOT

We are on final approach now.  I have informed the viceroy that the "Ambassador" has arrived.

The pilot made sure to emphasize the word ambassador with a very visible quote mark gesture.

OBI-WAN

What's with the air quotes?

PILOT

Oh, like you're a real ambassador now?

OBI-WAN

Appointed by the Chancellor himself.

PILOT

I'll bet.

OBI-WAN

Now what's that supposed to mean?

PILOT

Since when do they teach negotiation in jedi training?  You're here to force a settlement between the two parties, right?

OBI-WAN

Exactly.

PILOT

But we're not really talking binding arbitration here, are we?  With the jedi, forcing a settlement is more along the lines of a death threat.

OBI-WAN

We prefer to call it aggressive negotiations.

PILOT

Yeah, and I prefer to call my dinner a steak rather than slaughtered animal carcass, but I'm under no illusion that they're not the same thing.

OBI-WAN

Just land the shuttle.

PILOT

You're the boss.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - SHUTTLEBAY

When Obi-Wan exits the shuttle he is met by an ANDROID who escorts him out of the shuttle bay.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM

The Android escorts Obi-Wan down a corridor and towards a door.  The door opens at their approach to reveal a meeting room.

ANDROID

Please wait here, "Ambassador".

OBI-WAN

Oh, not you too.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

The android enters the bridge and approaches the Viceroy and his LIEUTENANT.

VICEROY

What did you say?

ANDROID

The "Ambassador" is a jedi knight.

LIEUTENANT

I didn't know protocol droids were programmed to air quote.

ANDROID

Oh, yes.  I am programmed with six million forms of non-verbal communication, including flipping the bird, both single and double finger variations, making the crazy gesture, miming "Walk against the wind" and doing the crotch chop.

The android does a crotch chop at the Lieutenant.

LIEUTENANT

There's something very wrong about an android doing that.

VICEROY

If you two are quite done, there's the matter of the jedi knight claiming to be an ambassador from the senate.  Why do you think they sent a jedi?

ANDROID

I may be a lowly protocol droid, but I'd wager a month's supply of oil that he's here to chop you into itty bitty Viceroy parts if you don't get your ass away from Naboo.  In fact, if he has his way, your ass may very well be leaving Naboo without the rest of you.

VICEROY

I must speak with DARTH SIDEOUS about this.  Distract the jedi for awhile.

LIEUTENANT

Are you kidding?  I'm not going in there with him.  Send the droid.

The android leaves the bridge.  A hologram of a young woman, Palpatine's RECEPTIONIST, appears on the communication console.

RECEPTIONIST

Senator PALPATINE's office -- How may I direct your call?

VICEROY

Uh, yes, I would like to speak to Darth Sideous.

RECEPTIONIST

One moment please.

The hologram of the receptionist disappears.

INT. CORUSCANT - PALPATINE'S OFFICE

Senator PALPATINE (The senator in his normal attire) is seated at his desk when his intercom beeps.

RECEPTIONIST (V. O.)

Senator, there's a Viceroy of the Trade Federation -- A Mr. Gunray -- On line one.  He'd like to speak to Darth Sideous.

PALPATINE

Just a moment.  Now, where did I leave my cloak?

Palpatine sees his cloak hanging from the coatrack in the corner and gets up to retrieve it.  He returns to his desk wearing it, becoming DARTH SIDEOUS (The senator as a Sith lord).

SIDEOUS

Put him through.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

On the communication console a hologram of Sideous appears.

SIDEOUS

I told you never to call me here.

VICEROY

Sorry, my lord, but your plan has failed.  The Chancellor has sent a jedi assassin to force an end to the blockade.

LIEUTENANT

We dare not go against him.

VICEROY

Viceroy, you can't see it right now because I'm seated, but I'm making a rather rude gesture towards your Lieutenant.  Let's just say it involves my genitals.

LIEUTENANT

Is it a crotch chop, my lord?

SIDEOUS

Yes, as a matter of fact it is.  From now on, Viceroy, I don't want that slug within my sight.  Also, I'd prefer never to see your lieutenant, either.  Now, kill the jedi and start your invasion.

VICEROY

Is that legal?

SIDEOUS

Which?  Murdering a jedi or invading a sovereign planet?

VICEROY

The second one.  I'm just kind of assuming murder is still illegal.

SIDEOUS

So you're fine with murder, but balk at trespassing?

VICEROY

Well, when you put it that way.

SIDEOUS

I'll bog down the senate so they won't be able to hassle you.  Just hold up your end of the bargain.

The hologram of Sideous disappears.

VICEROY

Destroy the shuttle.

INT. REPUBLIC SHUTTLE

A set of laser cannons drop from the ceiling outside the shuttle, visible through the cockpit window.

PILOT

Lookout!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - SHUTTLEBAY

The cannons fire and a shuttle explodes.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - MEETING ROOM

Seated in the meeting room, Obi-Wan is befuddled, staring at the android sent to distract him.

ANDROID

I'm a little tea pot, short and stout.  Here is my handle.  Here is my spout.

OBI-WAN

You know, you could just serve me the tea.  I really don't need the whole song and dance.  I can't believe you managed to turn that into an opera.

The room shakes.

OBI-WAN

What was that?

ANDROID

Sounded like the Viceroy's personal shuttle being destroyed.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

The viceroy stares angrily at the WEAPONS OPERATOR.

VICEROY

Any chance you could get the jedi's shuttle this time instead of mine?

WEAPONS OPERATOR

Sorry.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - MEETING ROOM

The room shakes again.

OBI-WAN

OK, so what was that one then?

ANDROID

Oh, that time it was your shuttle.

Poisoned gas starts seeping into the room from the ventilation system.  Obi-Wan takes a deep breath of clean air.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

VICEROY

He must be dead by now.  Captain, destroy what's left.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM

A group of DROID SOLDIERS, including their DROID CAPTAIN and a DROID CORPORAL, is gathered outside the door.

DROID CAPTAIN

Yes, sir.

The door opens.

ANDROID (O. S. )

I'm a little teapot, short and stout.

DROID CAPTAIN

Corporal, check it out.

DROID CORPORAL

Roger roger.

DROID CAPTAIN

How many times do I have to tell you?  My name is not Roger.

DROID CORPORAL

Sorry, captain.

The android leaves the meeting room, still carrying the tea.

ANDROID

Here is my handle, and here is my spout.

Just after the android clears the door, the distinctive glow of a light saber is visible through the opaque mist of the poisoned gas.

DROID CORPORAL

Oh oh.

The droid soldiers begin firing into the meeting room, but Obi-Wan deflects their laser blasts with his light saber.  He emerges from the room and begins chopping all the soldiers into pieces.  Once he's done, with them he walks up to the android.

OBI-WAN

I never did get any of that tea.

ANDROID

Well, it is poisoned, but if you really want some.

OBI-WAN

No, that's OK.

In a flash his light saber is out and the android is sliced in two.  He proceeds towards the bridge attacking any droid soldiers he encounters along the way.

OBI-WAN

The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

LIEUTENANT

See?  We won't survive this.

VICEROY

Well, aren't you Mr. Positive today?  Seal off the bridge.

LIEUTENANT

That won't be enough.

VICEROY

Screw you.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Obi-Wan is slicing and dicing his way through the droid soldiers, destroying some by deflecting their laser blasts and knocking some to the ground with the force.  When he gets to the door, he starts cutting his way in with his light saber.  While his light saber is otherwise engaged, he begins absorbing laser blasts with his other hand.  Periodically, he knocks droid soldiers around using the force.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

VICEROY

How is this possible?  Close the blast door.

The internal blast door closes over the main door.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIDGE

The external blast door closes over the main door.  Obi-Wan withdraws his light saber and reinserts it in the middle of the circle he was cutting, using it not for cutting, but instead to melt through.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

LIEUTENANT

He's still coming.

VICEROY

This is impossible.

LIEUTENANT

And yet strangely possible.

VICEROY

Shut up.  Get some destroyer droids up here.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - CORRIDOR OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Just before Obi-Wan can melt his way through, destroyer droids roll into view.  They are too heavy to knock about and have too much firepower to absorb so he's forced to remove his light saber from the door.  He reflects some laser blasts back at them, but they have shields so the blasts are harmlessly absorbed.

OBI-WAN

Stalemate.

Obi-Wan runs off in the blink of an eye.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

VICEROY

See?  He's no match for destroyer droids.

LIEUTENANT

Who's gonna pay for that door?

The viceroy swats his lieutenant in the back of the head after that comment.

VICEROY

Search the ship.  I want that jedi found.  And I need a new personal shuttle.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE

Sir, trasmission from the planet -- It is QUEEN AMIDALA.

VICEROY

It's pronounced transmission.

The image of Queen Padme AMIDALA Stitts (The Queen in regal attire) appears on the view screen.

VICEROY

Ah, Queen Amidala.  Nice tits.

AMIDALA

I didn't call to discuss my breasts, Viceroy.  We can do that later.  First, I've been informed that your blockade has ended.

VICEROY

Really?  I wasn't aware of such failure.

AMIDALA

It is my understanding that you've been commanded to reach a "settlement" by the Chancellor's "Ambassador".

VICEROY

I don't know what you are talking about, your Majesty.  We have received no senatorial ambassador.

AMIDALA

He should be already there.  When he does arrive you will have no choice but to abandon your blockade.

VICEROY

Your Majesty, you assume too much.  And you know what happens when you assume, don't you?

AMIDALA

You invite someone to make that tired old "Ass out of U and me" joke?

VICEROY

Pretty much.  Toodles.

The queen's image disappears.

VICEROY

She really does have nice tits.

LIEUTENANT

Oh, yeah!

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - SHUTTLEBAY

Obi-Wan sneaks his way into the shuttlebay.  The floor is littered with debris from two destroyed shuttles.  A third, intact, shuttle sits in the corner.  It is being hand washed by a single DROID.  Obi-Wan approaches the droid.

DROID

(muttering)

Don't blow up my shuttle -- Get me a new shuttle -- Wash my shuttle -- You can't use water from the waste disposal system to wash my shuttle -- Stupid viceroy.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

I'm taking my shuttle down to the planet.

As he speaks, Obi-Wan makes the sweeping hand motion to indicate he is using his jedi mind trick.  Every time Obi-Wan makes the gesture, the droid moves his head to follow Obi-Wan's hand and then looks back up at him blankly.  Each time the droid waves back.

DROID

Hello.  This is the Viceroy's shuttle.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

I am the Viceroy.

DROID

Hello.  No you're not.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

Yes I am.

DROID

Hello.  I may have never met the man, but I'm quite sure you aren't him.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

What makes you say that?

DROID

Hello.  Well, for one thing he's not a jedi, that's for sure.  And would you mind not waving at me every sentence?  I've already said, "Hello".

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

I'm not waving at you.

DROID

Hello.  Yes you are.  You just did it a couple of seconds ago.  Please stop.  It is so annoying.  Now where was I?  Oh, yeah, the Viceroy isn't a jedi.  But you know who is a jedi, don't you?  The "Ambassador" sent by the Chancellor to "force a settlement" and who I'm supposed to "kill" on "sight".

OBI-WAN

Why did you air quote kill and sight?

DROID

I was in a rhythm.  Oh, and thanks for not waving at me.

OBI-WAN

No problem.

Instead of making the mind trick gesture, Obi-Wan takes out his light saber and slices the droid in two.

DROID

Goodbye.

Obi-Wan enters the shuttle and takes off, leaving the shuttlebay and heading for the planet.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

VICEROY

Has anybody reported finding that jedi yet?

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER

No, sir, but your new shuttle just departed for the planet, so I think I can make an educated guess as to where he ended up.

VICEROY

(sighing)

Why does it always have to be my shuttle?  Fine, inform the troops to shoot down my shuttle on sight.

LIEUTENANT

Would you like me to get you another new one?

VICEROY

Let's just hold off on that until I absolutely need it, shall we?  We only brought so many shuttles with us.

INT. QUEEN'S PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY

The Queen and her ADVISORS are gathered around the throne.  In the middle of the group is the holographic image of Senator Palpatine.

PALPATINE

And you say there's been no sign of the "Ambassador"?

AMIDALA

No.

PALPATINE

That's odd because they should have arrived by now.

AMIDALA

No, I don't mean, "No, there's been no sign."  I mean, "No, I didn't say that."  You and I just started talking and the first thing out of your mouth was that I said, "There's been no sign of the 'Ambassador.'"  Don't get me wrong, there has been no sign of the "Ambassador".  It's just that I hadn't said so yet.  I have now, obviously, but when you first said I'd said it, I hadn't.

Palpatine stares blankly at Amidala for several seconds.

PALPATINE

I'm confused.  Can we start again?

AMIDALA

OK.

PALPATINE

Hello, your Majesty.  Nice tits.

AMIDALA

Thank you.  I called because the "Ambassador" that was supposed to "force a settlement" was supposed to have arrived on the Viceroy's ship by now and the Viceroy claims that he hasn't arrived yet.  And there's been no sign of the "Ambassador".

PALPATINE

And you say there's been no sign of the "Ambassador"?

This time Amidala pauses to stare at Palpatine.

AMIDALA

Uh, wait, what?  Why did you ask me if I said what I said in the previous sentence?

PALPATINE

Oh, um, hang on.

Palpatine reaches down and picks up a copy of the script.  He uses his finger to trace the point he's reading from and silently mouths the words as he tries to find his place.  He picks up a pen and starts making alterations.

AMIDALA

Are you reading our conversation from a script?

PALPATINE

Oh, what, this?  No, no.  I just jotted down some of the things I wanted to cover in this conversation so that I wouldn't forget them.  I mean, sure I had them typed up in screenplay form and rehearsed them a few times with my receptionist playing you -- She's very good -- Just to make sure I had them right.  But that's all.  I like, totally memorized it if that's what you're worried about.  I wasn't still on book.

AMIDALA

You rehearse your conversations with me?

PALPATINE

(shyly)

Sometimes.

AMIDALA

Why?

PALPATINE

(schoolboy crush)

Well, you make me nervous, is all.  You're like, y'know, so cute and all.  And as a sith lord I don't get to meet a lot of cute girls.

ADVISOR

Excuse me, what did he just say?

AMIDALA

That's very flattering, Senator, but you're like way old and I'm just fifteen.  But I'd like to be friends.

ADVISOR

Did he just say he's a sith lord?

PALPATINE

Yeah, just friends.  OK.

ADVISOR

Excuse me, your Majesty.

AMIDALA

What is it?

ADVISOR

Did he just say that he's a sith lord?

AMIDALA

I'll check.  Senator Palpatine, did you just say you are a sith lord?

PALPATINE

(soberly)

I'm sorry, what did you say?

ADVISOR

Did you just say, "As a sith lord I don't get to meet a lot of cute girls?"

PALPATINE

No, no, as a senator I don't get to meet a lot of cute girls.  I'm a senator.

AMIDALA

Yes, that sentence makes a lot more sense.

ADVISOR

While I agree that it does make more sense, I don't agree that it is what he said.

AMIDALA

I'm pretty sure he is a senator.

ADVISOR

We all know he's a senator, but what's news is that he's also a sith lord.

PALPATINE

(mind trick)

As a senator I don't get to meet a lot of cute girls.

ADVISOR

Hello.  As a senator he doesn't get to meet a lot of cute girls.

AMIDALA

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

The hologram of Palpatine begins to fizzle and then it disappears entirely.

ADVISOR

A communications disruption can mean only one thing.

AMIDALA

We forgot to pay the phone bill?

ADVISOR

OK, two things.

AMIDALA

Oh, it could be an electrical storm.  Could someone check the weather channel for me?

ADVISOR

Three things.

AMIDALA

Maybe someone crashed a speeder into the power generation plant responsible for supplying power to the central communications system.

ADVISOR

OK, I admit it.  It could be quite a lot of things, but in this specific instance I am convinced it is a prelude to an invasion.

AMIDALA

Why?

ADVISOR

Because since this scene started, the plot has ground to a halt and I don't want to waste anymore time trying to establish this information.

AMIDALA

Good call.

EXT. NABOO AIRSPACE - DAY

A droid-manned fighter comes into view behind the Viceroy's appropriated shuttle piloted by Obi-Wan.  The fighter is manned by a FIGHTER PILOT, a GUNNER and a FIGHTER CAPTAIN, all droids.  It begins getting into firing position.

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

Gunner, target the engines.

GUNNER

Roger roger -- Er, Captain.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER (V. O.)

Attention all fighter craft ...

GUNNER

Weapons locked on, Captain.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER (V. O.)

... Be advised that the Viceroy's shuttle has been commandeered by enemy forces ...

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

Fire!

Lasers from the fighter destroy the shuttle's engines, causing it to go into an immediate, uncontrolled descent.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER (V. O.)

... If you encounter this craft, you are hereby ordered to destroy it.

FIGHTER PILOT

Nice shooting -- Hey, what?

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

What?

FIGHTER PILOT

Did we just get orders to shoot down the Viceroy's shuttle?

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

Yeah.

GUNNER

That's what I heard.

FIGHTER PILOT

Didn't we just do that?

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

Yeah.

GUNNER

I remember it like it was yesterday -- Only much more recent than that.

FIGHTER PILOT

But we fired on the shuttle before the order came through.

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

So?

GUNNER

Because it was only a minute or so ago, not a whole day or anything.

FIGHTER PILOT

(to the gunner)

Shut up!

(to the captain)

So why were we shooting at the Viceroy's shuttle if not to attack these so-called "enemy forces"?

FIGHTER CAPTAIN

I've never liked the Viceroy.

FIGHTER PILOT

Oh -- OK.

INT. VICEROY'S SHUTTLE - DAY

With the shuttle tumbling out of control towards the planet, Obi-Wan struggles to escape its confines by slicing open the door controls with his light saber, exiting the craft in flight and jumping clear.

EXT. NABOO FOREST - DAY

He projects his hands towards the ground and he slows considerably as he falls until he is able to land with a forward roll and come to a standing position.  In the distance, the sound of the android ground forces can be heard.

OBI-WAN

Well, any landing you can walk away from ...

ANAKIN (O. S.)

... Might still end up in a fiery mass of twisted metal.

Obi-Wan spins about, light saber in hand and pointed towards the intruder.  ANAKIN SKYWALKER, a boy in his mid-teens, raises his hands in a gesture of surrender.

ANAKIN

Hey, relax.  No need to get all limb severy.  It was just a joke.

OBI-WAN

Who are you and what are you doing here?

ANAKIN

Anakin Skywalker, star pilot extraordinaire, at your service.  I noticed your shuttle going down, so I thought I'd check if there was anything worth salvaging -- Which it looks like not.  Nice flying, by the way, although technically to be considered flying, you need to keep it off the ground.

OBI-WAN

I got shot down by part of the invasion force.  I need to get to the capital to protect Queen Amidala.

ANAKIN

You want to go to Theed to see the queen?

OBI-WAN

Being a star pilot extraordinaire, I'm guessing you know a way to get there undetected.

ANAKIN

Of course, but it'll cost you.

OBI-WAN

You won't do it to aid your ruler?

ANAKIN

Hey, I'm not from this backwater planet.  I'm from a nearby backwater planet.  So, she's not my queen.  So, you're going to have to cough up if you want transport.

OBI-WAN

Fine, but I don't have any currency on me.

ANAKIN

No problem.  You'll owe it to me.  I was gonna say you have an honest face, but you really don't.  Actually, you look like you've got a fairly fluid relationship with the truth, but I'm going to trust you anyway.  Besides, that queen chick has got to be loaded, right?  My ship is this way.

Anakin leads him a short ways though the forest before stopping at a tree.  Removing a false covering from one side of the tree, he reaches in and activates a device.  The ground of the clearing wavers and then disappears.  Beneath the false ground is a sleek looking starship.  It's a cargo ship that has been kitted out for smuggling.

OBI-WAN

Nice ship.  Where did you steal it?

ANAKIN

I didn't steal it.  My 'uncle' left it to me.  I have no idea where he stole it.

OBI-WAN

Won't it be a bit conspicuous, flying into the capital in this?

ANAKIN

This isn't my first day on the job.  I know my way around this planet better than those Trade Federation droids do.

They climb down the ladder into the pit which houses Anakin's ship and enter the vessel.  After the ship ascends out of the pit, the false ground shimmers back into existence.  Anakin flies his ship above a small lake and then begins to descend into it.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

OBI-WAN

Don't tell me, it's a false lake.

ANAKIN

No, the lake is real.  But it's more than it seems.  It's one of the entry-ways into the Gungans' system of underground canals.

OBI-WAN

Who are the Gungans?

ANAKIN

The original inhabitants of Naboo.  They are a race of amphibian warriors, but since the planet's colonization by humans, they now prefer to live mostly in their underwater cities.  See those lights in the distance?  That's their capital city.  They don't like outsiders using their waterways, but they don't mind my doing so because, as a smuggler, I'm often sticking it to the Naboo economy, so they tolerate my presence.  You know, considering the amount of exposition I just spewed, you should probably take note of this.  Sounds like it'll be important for plot reasons.

OBI-WAN

Noted.

EXT. NABOO - THEED RIVER - DAY

Anakin brings his starship out of the underground canal and into the river that runs alongside Theed.  He keeps it submerged but brings it to the edge of the city.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

Using sensors, he and Obi-Wan spy on the activity in the city.  The droid army has completely overrun it.

ANAKIN

So, let me see if I've got this straight.  I've always wondered about this.  You guys, the Jedi, are the defenders of the Galactic Republic?

OBI-WAN

Right.

ANAKIN

And you guys are closer to being a police force than anything else.  I mean, you're no army and you've got ships, but they are more like shuttles, so there is no star fleet to speak of.

OBI-WAN

True.

ANAKIN

So, what you are saying is that Republic is guarded, primarily, on the honour system.  The Jedi settle the odd dispute, but you could never fight a war since there's not enough of you.  Some systems have local armies, like the Gungans and the Wookiees, and some have a few squadrons of short range fighter craft, like the Naboo, but nobody to fight a war for you.

OBI-WAN

So?

ANAKIN

So?  So what kind of wanker came up with that policy?  You've got plenty of people like the Trade Federation and the Hutts on your borders that do have the means to wage a war.  But what's worse than that, the Republic is antagonizing them with these new tax laws.  I've seen some of these tax forms.  They make me want to punch someone in the throat and I don't even pay taxes, so you can imagine how annoying they must be for the Federation.  You can be defenseless, or annoying, but not both.

OBI-WAN

Are you through?

ANAKIN

And another thing.  What's with this whole "Queen of Naboo" crap?  I thought the Republic was a democracy.

OBI-WAN

It is.  Really it is a democracy of planets, but each of the member worlds are themselves democracies.  The Queen is an elected official.

ANAKIN

An elected Queen?  Isn't that like an atheist pope?  Hang on, you are saying Queen Amidala was elected?

OBI-WAN

You catch on fast.

ANAKIN

No, I don't just mean that her position is elected.  I mean Amidala herself.  The entire human population of the planet was asked, "Who should be Queen?"  And they chose Padme Amidala Stitts?

OBI-WAN

Yeah.  What's wrong with her.

ANAKIN

Are you kidding?  She's my age!  She's like, fifteen.  Why would anyone in their right mind elect a teenager as the leader of their entire planet?  I figured it was a hereditary position, so like the previous leader died young and Amidala was the only one left in her family line.  But the planet picked her -- On purpose?

OBI-WAN

Sure.  I'm guessing you've never seen her.

ANAKIN

What's that got to do with it?

OBI-WAN

It's just that she's really cute.  Plus, she's got quite the rack.

ANAKIN

What's that got to do with it?  It's not the "Miss Naboo" pageant, it's an election for the head of state.

OBI-WAN

If you'd seen her, then you'd understand.  If I lived here, I'd totally vote for her.  And if you wouldn't, I'd question your masculinity.

ANAKIN

So, what, was that her campaign slogan?

OBI-WAN

Pretty much.

ANAKIN

And that worked with the women, too?

OBI-WAN

Of course.  It's really easy to question their masculinity.

Anakin stares, bemused, at Obi-Wan for a moment.

ANAKIN

Is there any chance using the force causes brain damage? -- Just curious.

OBI-WAN

Just get this thing to shore so we can go rescue her.  You'll see soon enough.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSIDE THE PALACE - DAY

The viceroy, his lieutenant and some ESCORT DROIDS escort the HANDMAIDEN (Sabe dressed as the Queen), her advisor and her handmaidens, including PADME (The Queen disguised as Sabe), from the palace.

VICEROY

I insist you sign this treaty to legalize our occupation of Naboo.

HANDMAIDEN

I insist you kiss my ass.

VICEROY

You bear it and I'll share it.  But enough flirting, your Majesty -- We can do that later.  I know it would do no good to threaten your life ...

HANDMAIDEN

I don't know about that.

VICEROY

... Because then you wouldn't be alive to sign the treaty ...

HANDMAIDEN

Oh, good point.

VICEROY

... But I'm happy to threaten the lives of your subjects.  Not only that, but I'm doing it right now.  So sign the treaty or I start having your people killed.

HANDMAIDEN

Start?

VICEROY

OK, I start having more of your people killed.

HANDMAIDEN

I'll never sign your treaty.

VICEROY

Take her to the prison camp to be processed.

ESCORT DROID

Roger, roger -- I mean Viceroy.

LIEUTENANT

Isn't the palace the most easily defended place to keep the Queen, especially with a jedi lurking about somewhere out there, just waiting to dismember someone?

VICEROY

It says right here in the secret plan Palp ...

The viceroy's eyes go wide.

VICEROY

Uh, you don't mind if you call you "Pal" do you?

LIEUTENANT

OK, but don't call me "Palp" because that sounds too much like you almost saying ...

VICEROY

Exactly, so ixnay.  Anyway, according to "my" secret plan, we have to send the Queen away from the palace to the prison camp.  I just can't explain to you why we have to do that, because it's a secret -- Hence "my" secret plan.

LIEUTENANT

Gotcha.

VICEROY

Anyway, once we've got that sorted away, then we can start killing people to make her talk.  You like that part, don't you?

LIEUTENANT

Oh, very much.  OK, droids, take her away.

EXT. NABOO - STREET WITH OVERPASS - DAY

Obi-Wan and Anakin watch from a hidden vantage point on a footbridge that overlooks the street where the droids are escorting the Handmaiden, et al, to the prison camp.

ANAKIN

OK, you got me.  If I lived here, I'd totally vote for the hot jailbait, even for head of state.

OBI-WAN

I told you.

Obi-Wan waits for the party to be close enough to the bridge and then leaps over the railing, light saber in hand.  While still half way over the railing ...

OBI-WAN

Now!

ANAKIN

Now what?

With Obi-Wan half way to the ground ...

OBI-WAN

Start shooting, asshole -- So much for the element of surprise.

ANAKIN

Yeah, like I'm the one who yelled, "Now!"

Just as Obi-Wan lands, Anakin opens fire with his blaster, picking off several of the droids.  Obi-Wan slices apart the rest.  Anakin uses the stairway to descend from the bridge.

OBI-WAN

I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is my friend Anakin Skywalker ...

ANAKIN

We're not really friends.

OBI-WAN

... And we're here to rescue you ...

ANAKIN

I'm just doing this to be paid.

OBI-WAN

... So we need to get you off the streets and back to Anakin's freighter.

ANAKIN

Provided that I get paid -- You didn't bring any money with you from the palace? -- Just asking.

HANDMAIDEN

We've got plenty of time to settle up later.  There are more important issues.  So, Obi-Wan, you're like what, here to liberate my planet for me?  You and which army, exactly?

ANAKIN

I've already covered that.

OBI-WAN

Um, that is to say, I'm here to rescue you, Queen Amidala ...

HANDMAIDEN

Works for me.

OBI-WAN

... I know you'd like stay and bravely face this adversity with your people ...

HANDMAIDEN

Why the hell would I want that?

OBI-WAN

... But the Federation could force you to sign a treaty unless we get you off the planet and to Coruscant where you can plead your case to the senate.

ANAKIN

Dude, learn to take "yes" for an answer.

HANDMAIDEN

Yeah, you had me at "um."

ANAKIN

You had me at "What a hot piece of jailbait tail!"  That is, you had me at you being it, not saying it.

HANDMAIDEN

Charming -- That's something you might try being, and not saying.

ADVISOR

Look, if you're planning on getting off the planet, sooner would probably be better than later.  The viceroy isn't the smartest being in the galaxy, but I'm guessing he might eventually figure out that his droids didn't get us to the prison camp.  So, if you'd like to get on with the rescue and get the Queen, and her handmaiden Padme -- Can't forget Padme -- To your ship, that would be super.

OBI-WAN

Care to try again?

ADVISOR

Excuse me?

OBI-WAN

Care to try again?  You'd like us to get the Queen and whom to the ship?

ADVISOR

Her handmaiden, Padme.

OBI-WAN

Her handmaiden, whom?

ADVISOR

Padme!  What's wrong with you?

OBI-WAN

The question is, "What's wrong with you?"  You get that she's the Queen, right?  You know, kinda famous around here.  People might, oh, I don't know, actually know her first name to hear it.

ADVISOR

So?

OBI-WAN

So, if you plan to disguise the Queen as her own handmaiden, shouldn't she go by the handmaiden's name?  Hell, any name but her own first name would be a start.  So, you'd like us to get the Queen and whom to the ship?

ADVISOR

Her handmaiden Sabe.

OBI-WAN

Better.

ADVISOR

And I'll remain here in case the Federation need to coerce someone into sending you a message in an effort to trick you into responding so that they can track you.

OBI-WAN

Whatever.

EXT. NABOO - NEAR THE THEED RIVER - DAY

Obi-Wan, Anakin, Padme and Handmaiden hide behind some trees while spying on a party of BATTLE DROIDS gathered next to Anakin's freighter.  Anakin approaches the droids.

ANAKIN

Hi there, can I help you with something?

BATTLE DROID

Is this your ship?

ANAKIN

Why, yes it is.

BATTLE DROID

Is it stolen?

ANAKIN

Why do people keep asking me that?

DROID

So, what are you doing here?

ANAKIN

Secretly escorting the Queen of Naboo off the planet -- And yourself?

BATTLE DROID

Stopping you.

ANAKIN

Good luck with that.

Obi-Wan emerges from cover.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

You can go on about your business.

BATTLE DROID

Hello.  Thanks, we will go on about our business -- Hands up.

OBI-WAN

Hands off.

Moving like a blur, Obi-Wan's light saber is out and chopping limbs before the droids can react.

BATTLE DROID

Uh, oh.

Obi-Wan finishes the job by slicing them all into scrap metal.

OBI-WAN

Let's go, ladies.

They all enter the freighter.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

They all take their seats.  Anakin makes preparations for liftoff.

HANDMAIDEN

Do you seriously think you can get past the blockade in this?

ANAKIN

As opposed to the many previous times I did?  I am a smuggler, you know.  The fact is, I've been known to do the Kessle Run in under fifteen parsecs.

OBI-WAN

... A vessel on the Kessle has a hue that is blue ...

ANAKIN

Quiet, you.

Handmaiden stares at Anakin for a moment.

HANDMAIDEN

OK, I may be Queen of some backwater planet, but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot.  I know damned well that the Kessle Run line is something you say to rubes to see how ignorant they are.  There is no Kessle Run and even if it did exist, you'd be talking about how fast you did it, not how long it is.

Obi-Wan laughs.

ANAKIN

Yeah, whatever.  Strap yourselves in tight.

EXT. NABOO - ABOVE THE THEED RIVER - DAY

Anakin's freighter blasts off the surface.  Once it is out in the open, he has to avoid several blasts from the ground based artillery.

EXT. SPACE - NABOO ORBIT

Anakin's freighter is confronted by several blockade ships.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER

ANAKIN

Hang on!

EXT. SPACE - NABOO ORBIT

The freighter performs several intricate maneuvers to minimize blaster hits.  It breeches the blockade with only minimal damage.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER

ANAKIN

See, no problem.

The ship shakes from a small explosion.  Several warning lights begin flashing on the control console as an alarm begins sounding.

HANDMAIDEN

Sure, no problem.  And I suppose that's the all clear siren?

ANAKIN

They must have gotten a lucky shot in.  The hyperdrive has sustained damage.  We won't have enough power to get all the way to Coruscant.  Is there anywhere else I can drop you?  You can just pay me for my time thus far and maybe catch a lift with someone else.

OBI-WAN

Yeah, funny.  How far can we make it without the hyperdrive?

ANAKIN

It's not a question of far.  We can go all the way to Coruscant on the sublight drive.

OBI-WAN

Great.

ANAKIN

Only it will take several years ...

OBI-WAN

Oh.

ANAKIN

... Just to get to the next star system.  Is there something about interstellar travel at sublight speeds that confuses you?  There's a reason these distances are measured in light 'years'.

HANDMAIDEN

OK then, smartass, what do you suggest?  Are there any Republic-friendly systems close enough that we can make it there with the hyperdrive in the state it's in and make repairs?

ANAKIN

Nope.  Naboo is pretty much on the fringe.  Around here your choices are Trade Federation worlds and outlaw worlds, such as those controlled by the Hutts.

OBI-WAN

What is the nearest non-Federation world?

ANAKIN

A crappy, sparsely inhabited, dust bowl of a place called Tatooine.  It's a disgusting place that, in an ideal universe, you'd never have to venture even a single step on its surface.  Unless of course, if you're like us and it's probably the last place the Federation would look.  Or unless, like me, you're from there.

HANDMAIDEN

You're a Tatooinie?

ANAKIN

I don't believe that's the official designation.  Anyway, as luck would have it, my "uncle" Watto runs a salvage yard.  I should be able to make repairs there.

OBI-WAN

Is this the same "uncle" that left you this ship?

Anakin stares at Obi-Wan for a moment in disbelief.

ANAKIN

How can a guy who "left" me a space ship "run" a salvage yard?  Are you sure using the force doesn't cause brain damage?

OBI-WAN

It takes one to know one!

ANAKIN

How does that make sense?

OBI-WAN

You'll see.

ANAKIN

Whatever.  So, are we all agreed on Tatooine?

OBI-WAN

OK.

HANDMAIDEN

Works for me.

PADME

I say we let him live!

ANAKIN

Let me guess, she got the decoy gig more for her bra size than her brain size.

HANDMAIDEN

Plus she does a good impression of my voice.

OBI-WAN

That must be good at parties (beat) And nothing else.

HANDMAIDEN

Gotcha.

EXT. TATOOINE - OUTSKIRTS - DAY

Anakin's freighter sets down near WATTO's shop.  Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme emerge from the ship.

HANDMAIDEN (O. S.)

So, I'll just stay here all alone and do nothing -- Great. "Geez Sabe, why don't you become a Queen decoy -- You'll get to see the galaxy and do interesting things."  Yeah, good advice Mom.  Not that I'm bitter.

All three head towards Watto's shop.  On the street outside the shop CLEEG LARS waves to Anakin.

LARS

Hey Anakin, my boy.  How's it going?

ANAKIN

Oh, hi "uncle" Cleeg.  Long time no see.

OBI-WAN

Another "uncle"?

Anakin shrugs in response.  

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

Entering the shop they find Watto being threatened by bounty hunter JANGO FETT.

JANGO

... It's funny how people who don't pay their debts just seem to end up having "accidents", if you know what I mean.  And who knows, someday I might be talking to Jabba the Hutt and just "accidentally" blurt out where I remember seeing you last.

Anakin draws his blaster to protect Watto.  Obi-Wan takes out his light saber, but doesn't turn it on.

ANAKIN

Is there something I can help you with, "uncle" Jango?

OBI-WAN

Another one?

JANGO

No, no -- I'm just leaving, kid.  But maybe you can make him see sense.

Jango starts to leave.

JANGO

Nice rack.

PADME

Thanks.

Jango leaves.  Moments after Jango departs, SHMI SKYWALKER enters the shop.

SHMI

Hi, Ani ...

PADME AND OBI-WAN

(snickering)

Ani?

SHMI

... I saw your freighter land. I figured you must have been coming here.  I mean, it's not like you'd ever drop by and see your mother.  Oh, no, you need repairs done, fine, you'll go to Watto's, but I guess the big shot freighter pilot doesn't have time to visit his old mother.  I mean, don't even say "hi" or anything.

ANAKIN

You might try taking a breath, Mother.  Then someone could get a word in edgewise and actually say "hello."  Hi, Mom, by the way.  So what's up with Jango?

WATTO

It's just a gambling debt from pod racing.  Speaking of, you could always ...

ANAKIN AND SHMI

Never!

WATTO

... Or not.  So, are you gonna introduce your friends?

ANAKIN

Mom, "uncle" Watto, these are my passengers Obi-Wan Kenobi and "Sabe."  This is my Mom, Shmi Skywalker and my "uncle" Watto.

SHMI, WATTO, PADME AND OBI-WAN

Pleased to meet you.

WATTO

So, I get you air-quoting me, but why are you air-quoting "Sabe" ...

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

HANDMAIDEN

... Yep, just sitting here alone, pretending to be the Queen, wearing her clown makeup, and decoying no one.  I'm sure this is doing a lot of good ...

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

WATTO

... or shouldn't I ask?

ANAKIN

You shouldn't ask.

SHMI

Tell you what, Ani ...

PADME AND OBI-WAN

(snickering)

Ani!

ANAKIN

Now, cut that out!

SHMI

... You and Watto work on fixing your ship and I'll take your friends up to the house so that they can relax.

ANAKIN

Sure -- Thanks, Mom.

Shmi leads Padme and Obi-Wan out of the shop through the back door and toward a nearby residence.

EXT. TATOOINE - BEHIND WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

OBI-WAN

Excuse me, but I'd like to ask you something about your son.

SHMI

What is it?

OBI-WAN

He seems to be an impossibly talented pilot, able to react to things before they even happen.

SHMI

That's what Watto used to say, back when he used to fly in the pod races.  It was back then that Watto got a taste for gambling on those dangerous things, which is why he's in debt to the Hutts now.

OBI-WAN

It probably hasn't escaped your noticed that I'm a jedi.  I can sense that he is exceedingly strong with the force, probably as strong as anyone else in our order.  If I may ask, who is his father?

SHMI

There was no father.

Padme smirks and barely stiffles outright laughter.  Shmi and Obi-Wan glare at her.

SHMI

It's true.  I carried him and I raised him -- I cannot explain what happened.

PADME

Oh, come on!  If I've heard that story, I've heard it a hundred times.  "Oh, my Queen ..."

OBI-WAN

And by, "Oh, my Queen" you mean Queen Amidala, who this person was speaking to, as opposed to you "Sabe."

PADME

Yeah, uh, right.

OBI-WAN

Because the way you phrased it the first time, it sounded like you were calling yourself Queen, and we all know that isn't the case.

PADME

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

OBI-WAN

Just keeping things straight for everyone else.

PADME

Anyway, "Oh, Queen Amidala, I don't know what happened.  I've never been with a man, but somehow I've become pregnant."  Please.

Once again, Shmi and Obi-Wan glare at her until she shuts up.

PADME

Fine.

OBI-WAN

In the Jedi Order we have a prophesy of a "Chosen One" who will be born of the force to one day bring balance to it.

SHMI

See!

PADME

Uh huh.  And is the force particularly unbalanced right now, master jedi?

OBI-WAN

Not that I'm aware of.

PADME

So, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to have a "Chosen One" right now.

OBI-WAN

I suppose not.

PADME

See!

SHMI

Are you calling me a liar?

PADME

Duh.

SHMI

You'd better be nicer to me if you want to marry my son.

PADME

So, what you're saying is I don't have to worry about being nice to you?

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

WATTO

It's really good to see you again, Anakin.

ANAKIN

You too, "uncle".  Can I take it she's gambling again -- Or, making you gamble for her?

WATTO

It's not as bad as it's been.  It's really just an untimely loss or two when business was down.  Jango's been a sport about keeping Jabba off my back, but even he's getting a little impatient.  Now, if we had a sure thing to bet on, mind you, we could probably wipe out the debt and even have a little left over, say to pay for parts and labour to fix a certain someone's starship.

ANAKIN

Yeah, uh, about that.  This job will cover those nicely, but I need to get it done before I'm likely to see any cash.  I was originally hoping you'd front me the parts so I can get my passengers to their destination, get paid and come back and pay you.  I could even lend you the money to get Jabba off your back once I'm done.  Besides, you know the Hutts would never let me race after the last time -- And I promised her I wouldn't.

WATTO

We'll have to see how things go.

EXT. TATOOINE - OUTSKIRTS - DAY

Watto and Anakin have several external panels off the ship and are engaged in making repairs.

WATTO

There's something weird about this damage.  How did you say it happened?

ANAKIN

I don't know exactly.  I was flying evasion and took a few incidental hits.  Soon afterwards there was an explosion and the hyperdrive was malfunctioning.

WATTO

I just don't see how those blasts could have fried the circuits this way.  Just a sec ...

Watto gets up and opens the door.

WATTO

... I wanna check something inside.

Watto enters the freighter.

ANAKIN

Oh, uh, you shouldn't go in there.

WATTO (O. S.)

Oh, hello there, ma'am.

Anakin follows him into the ship.

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

The Handmaiden, in full Queen regalia, is seated at the pilot station with her feet up on the console.  Watto is still staring at her in surprise.

ANAKIN

Ah, I see you've met my other passenger.  "Uncle" Watto, this is the "Queen" of Naboo, Padme Amidala Stitts, and your "Majesty", this is my "uncle" Watto.

WATTO

Again with the air-quoting.  Pleased to meet you, your Majesty.

HANDMAIDEN

You too.

WATTO

I guess this is yet another thing I shouldn't ask about, I take it?

ANAKIN

If you wouldn't mind.  Now what did you want to look at?

Watto removes a floor panel to get at the engine room, which is more of a crawlspace, and specifically the hyperdrive.

WATTO (O. S.)

Well, here's your problem.  There's blast damage in here, alright, but it didn't come from external sources.  It looks like someone planted an explosive in there.

ANAKIN

Those bloody droids -- I knew they were up to something.  They were waiting for us when we got back to the ship with the "Queen" and her "handmaiden".  They must have planted it in case we got past them.

HANDMAIDEN

Or they let you get past them so that the bomb would kill us instead of the droid soldiers and that way they could claim it was an accident.

Watto returns from the crawlspace.

WATTO

They must have underestimated the amount of explosives needed to get the job done.

ANAKIN

Probably.  There does seem to be a lot of underestimating going on around here.  I mean, seriously, have you ever heard that word used so frequently in your entire life?  Oh, so and so is underestimating the power of this and don't underestimate the power of that.  I don't know, I guess up until this point in my life I've been seriously underestimating people's ability to shoehorn that word into a conversation.

HANDMAIDEN

Are you through?

ANAKIN

Pretty much.

WATTO

So's your primary motivator.  The rest of the damage is fixable, but the bomb was planted inside motivator's casing.  It's not salvageable.

HANDMAIDEN

They planted a bomb in your sense of self-preservation?

ANAKIN

Funny.  No, smartass, the hyperdrive motivator.  Oh, and just for your information, my sense of greed is my primary motivator, which explains why I'm still helping you people.  I still haven't been paid.

HANDMAIDEN

Which you won't be if you can't get us off this shithole planet.

ANAKIN

Which means I need a new motivator, which I can't pay for unless I get paid.

WATTO

I can get you the motivator, all right.  That's no problem.  But without the cash to pay for it ...

ANAKIN

Yeah, I gotcha.  We're all a bunch of deadbeats and some mark needs to pony up the seed money to get this operation off the ground.

WATTO

Which pretty much means someone has to go to the Hutts.

ANAKIN

It can't be me.

WATTO

Me, neither.  They won't trust you, but they'd kill me.

ANAKIN

Which means we need someone fresh faced and sincere.

HANDMAIDEN

And whose career wouldn't be damaged by dealing with a bunch of gangsters.

WATTO

Perhaps someone who could handle themselves if things go wrong.

INT. JABBA'S PALACE - DAY

Obi-Wan stands before JABBA the Hut, who is reclining in luxury and surrounded by his lackeys.

OBI-WAN

I need a loan.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

The Viceroy stands before the viewscreen as the image of Palpatine, in his Sideous cloak, appears.  The Lieutenant stands off to the side to avoid being seen by Sideous.

VICEROY

I "regret", my lord, that I must report that the Queen of Naboo has "escaped".

The Lieutenant starts trying to get the Viceroy's attention, but the Viceroy waves him off.

SIDEOUS

That is most "unfortunate".  How could you have "failed" me in this manner, Viceroy?

VICEROY

I cannot apologize enough, my lord, but they "blasted" their way past the blockade in a freighter.

SIDEOUS

Very well.  This is most "troubling" news.

The Lieutenant can contain himself no longer.  Spotting a chance to redeem himself, he speaks up.

LIEUTENANT

Then be troubled no longer, my lord, as I just received a report from the planet.  Although I believe they were probably slaughtered by the jedi, a squad of droid troops were able to plant an explosive in the engine of a freighter they ran across.

VICEROY

What?!?  Who told them to do that?

LIEUTENANT

No one, as far as I know.  These latest batches of droid soldiers have been getting increasingly autonomous.

SIDEOUS

So you've destroyed the ship carrying the Queen to Coruscant?

LIEUTENANT

If it was the same ship, then yes.  I'm told it was programmed to detonate as soon as it left Naboo's orbit.

SIDEOUS

Bastards!  You stupid, stupid bastards!

LIEUTENANT

My lord?

SIDEOUS

Don't my lord me, you worm!  How can she unseat--That is, how can she sign the treaty if you've killed her?  Let me be perfectly clear, Viceroy.  You're going to find that ship and you're going to find it in one piece and you're going to show my apprentice proof that it's in one piece before he kills you all.  Is that understood?

VICEROY

Yes, my lord.

Sideous' image disappears from the screen.

INT. CORUSCANT - PALPATINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Seated behind his desk, Sideous presses the intercom button.

SIDEOUS

Send him in.

MAUL (V. O.)

... Seems daft to guard him ...

RECEPTIONIST (V. O.)

Gladly, sir.  He wants you to go in.

The door opens and DARTH MAUL enters the office, still facing back towards the receptionist.

MAUL

... When he's a guard.

RECEPTIONIST (V. O.)

Yes, very nice.

Maul turns his attention to Sideous and closes the door behind himself.

MAUL

Ni!

SIDEOUS

Stop that and sit down.

Maul does as instructed.

MAUL

What is your bidding, my master?

SIDEOUS

OK, that's worse than the Monty Python routine.

MAUL

(hiccups)

Oh, go and get a glass of water.

SIDEOUS

Now you're not even doing it right.  Look, stop it.  You're here for a reason.

MAUL

At least we will have our revenge?

SIDEOUS

Yeah, I don't know what you mean by that, but whatever.  At least you're talking like a Sith now.  So, here's the deal.  Go meet up with the Trade Federation imbeciles.  The plan only works if the Queen gets here to Coruscant, so either they make that happen, or you put your light saber through their heads.  Got it?

MAUL

I shall accomplish this mission according to my own particular, uh--

SIDEOUS

Idiot!

MAUL

Actually, I think it's pronounced idiom.

SIDEOUS

No, you're an idiot.  Get out of here.  And stop quoting Monty Python.  You're making us look bad.

MAUL

Hey, at least I don't read from a script when talking to girls.

SIDEOUS

Out!

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

Obi-Wan enters the shop.  Everyone looks at him, expectantly.

OBI-WAN

He seems fine with it.

ANAKIN

Seriously?  I mean, I know it was my plan, and all, but even I didn't think he'd go for it.

OBI-WAN

It didn't look promising originally, I must admit, but I must have been more persuasive than I thought because Jabba eventually came around to my way of thinking.  And I didn't have to mind trick him, or anything.

PADME

And by "didn't have to" you mean you tried and it didn't work.

OBI-WAN

Naturally.  Speaking of which, Anakin, I'm supposed to say that "Uncle" Jabba says "Hello."  Another one?  Seriously?

ANAKIN

Just as long as you got the money, I don't care how you did it.

OBI-WAN

Oh, I didn't get the money.

ANAKIN

Of course you didn't.

OBI-WAN

We agreed you'd race for it.

SHMI

I don't want you racing.

ANAKIN

You mean unless you have a bet on it.

SHMI

Naturally.

HANDMAIDEN

Don't any of you ever just say what you mean?

ANAKIN

Well, we can't all be as honest as you, my "Queen".

HANDMAIDEN

Point taken.

WATTO

I don't get it.

ANAKIN

Of course you don't.  And don't ask, either.

WATTO

Gotcha.

ANAKIN

So, jedi, you were explaining how you arranged with Jabba for me to race when the idea was to specifically mention neither Watto nor myself?

OBI-WAN

Yeah, that was the idea, but things weren't going so well.

ANAKIN

So you thought throwing us under the landspeeder was a good choice?

OBI-WAN

See, that's the thing.  It wasn't going well, and it even looked like I wasn't gonna get out of there without getting all slicey and dicey when Jango showed up.  Suddenly they couldn't do enough for me.  I mean, they insisted on the race thing instead of just giving me the money, but that's better than the alternative.  Especially for him -- Hey, can he be called "worm food" if he already was a worm?  Food for thought.

HANDMAIDEN

And not for worms.

ANAKIN

Yeah, thanks for the imagery.  Let's just be ready for anything, because this all seems too suspicious.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

The door to the bridge opens and Maul enters.  He is accompanied by an Android.

MAUL

But how do you know she is a witch?

ANDROID

Yes, uh, very good sir.  Viceroy, this spiky gentleman says he has an appointment with you.

VICEROY

Yes, thank you.

ANDROID

Also, he inquired about the airspeed of something called an "unladen swallow".

VICEROY

Yes, yes, don't worry about it.  Thank you, you may leave.

(to Maul)

Welcome.  You must be the apprentice to Darth Sideous.

MAUL

Listen, Alice ...

VICEROY

Herbert.  No, I mean, Viceroy.  Stop it.

MAUL

If I went 'round sayin' I was Viceroy, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

VICEROY

Yes, uh, very nice.  So we have located the Queen.

MAUL

You don't vote for Queens.

VICEROY

Actually they do, but that's neither here nor there.  She's on the planet Tatooine.

MAUL

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

VICEROY

Is this really necessary?

MAUL

Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem.

Maul takes out his light saber and strikes himself in the forehead with it.

VICEROY

Ah, I see that it is.  So, anyway, I got word from a contact on Tatooine that she's there and he arranged to help speed her and her party on their way.  So, if there's nothing else.

The Viceroy turns his back to Maul and starts walking away towards his Lieutenant.

MAUL

(singing)

Bravely, bravely ran away.

VICEROY

I never!  Damn!

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - EVENING

Everyone is returning to the shop.  Pinned to Anakin's chest is a ribbon proclaiming "First Place".  Although everyone else is celebrating, Watto and Shmi seem more sober.  They hang back, away from the others who are celebrating, to have a private conversation.

WATTO

That was far too easy.

SHMI

Yeah, the race was clearly fixed.

WATTO

Exactly.

SHMI

And I was still barely able to make any profit betting on him.

WATTO

So, you have to wonder how Jabba was able to afford the money he paid Anakin, because he couldn't have made that much betting on that race.

SHMI

Should we share our concerns with them?

WATTO

Hell, no!  I'm tired of being the one who doesn't get to "know" things.  Let's see how they like it.

Watto and Shmi rejoin the group.

WATTO

Listen, Anakin, I'll get that part first thing and I should have you on your way by midday.  That way you can get the "Queen" to "Coruscant" in "no" time.

ANAKIN

You're not really sure which things you're not supposed to know, are you?

WATTO

No, not really.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Maul is walking around the bridge.  A small, quadrupedal robotic platform is walking next to him and above it is the image of Sideous.  Maul is weaving in and out and around the various consoles and stations on the bridge and the robot is doing it's best to keep up.

SIDEOUS

That's good to hear, my apprentice.  They appear to be back on track.  I want you to travel to Tatooine and watch them closely, just to make sure there are no further delays.  Just watch them, don't interfere.

MAUL

Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

SIDEOUS

What?

MAUL

I bet you're gay.

SIDEOUS

Am not.  What are you on about now?  Look, do we have to go through this every time?  And why am I being projected on the robotic platform?  You're making me motion sick.  That's got to be the stupidest invention ever.  And you're on the bridge.  You couldn't find a proper communication console?  I can see an available one behind you right now.  OK, look, you want some peril?

MAUL

Look, it's my duty as a Sith to sample as much peril as I can.

SIDEOUS

Yes, whatever.  Watch them, like I said, and make sure they leave.

MAUL

Make sure he doesn't leave.

SIDEOUS

I'm not getting drawn into that.  Make sure they leave, but, last thing before they do, I want you to confront the jedi.  I don't want you to kill him and I don't want you to really stop him.

MAUL

You killed eight wedding guests in all.

SIDEOUS

Shut up!  Just delay him for a minute or two so that it doesn't seem too easy.  I don't want them figuring out that we're helping them get to Coruscant.

MAUL

Coruscant!  Coruscant!  Coruscant!

(under his breath)

It's only a model.

SIDEOUS

Augh!  Will you shut up?!?

MAUL

No, on second thought, Coruscant is a silly place.

SIDEOUS

Just go, you spiky freak!

MAUL

(singing)

We're Sith of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able.

The image of Sideous begins to waver and disappear.

SIDEOUS

(fading out)

And stop singing!

The image of Sideous disappears completely.

EXT. TATOOINE - OUTSKIRTS - DAY

Everyone is assembled around the ship and Watto is just finishing the installation of the new parts.

WATTO

That should do it.  I've set it do some pre-flight checks, but it should be fine.

ANAKIN

Thank you, "Uncle".  It was nice seeing you.  And nice to get a chance to visit with you, Mom.

SHMI

Well, next time I hope it doesn't take some galactic interstellar incident to get you back home to see your mom.

ANAKIN

I'll try, Mom.

SHMI

I mean, in the time between your visits who knows what could happen.  I could be captured by sandpeople, be forced into slavery and have to spend my days turning a big wheel for no reason.

ANAKIN

I don't think that's very likely to happen, do you?

SHMI

Stranger things have happened.

ANAKIN

Name three.  Actually, don't -- I don't think we have time for that.  Bye, Mom.

SHMI

Goodbye, Anakin.

Anakin and Shmi hug and then Anakin and Watto shake hands.  Shmi and Watto depart.

ANAKIN

Yeah, good luck with that, Mom.  I can't get off this shit hole planet fast enough.  I may be from here, but I've got to admit I hate sand.  It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere.

PADME

I've got to admit that you are coarse and irritating.

ANAKIN

Hey, as long as it gets me everywhere.

PADME

What does that even mean?

ANAKIN

So's your face.

PADME

Witty.

HANDMAIDEN

I hate to break up this whatever it is, but what the hell is that?

Angle on Maul as he is flying towards the ship on some kind of SPEEDER BIKE.  Angle back on the passengers.

OBI-WAN

Anakin, you might want to hurry through the pre-flight checks.  I don't know who that is, but I've got a bad feeling about this.  Plus, spiky headed dudes just weird me out.

Angle on Maul as he continues on his speeder bike, although instead of looking closer it looks like he's back at the point where he was first noticed.  Angle on the passengers.

ANAKIN

OK, everyone aboard while I get these engines going.  Obi-Wan, if he's hostile, you may have to hold him off for a little while.

OBI-WAN

No problem.  Seems like forever since I've had my light saber out.

Obi-Wan gets ready for a fight, light saber in hand.  As the passengers board the ship, every time the CAMERA angles on Maul, he has returned to his starting point.  Once everyone is inside, Anakin pokes his head out the door.

ANAKIN

How is he doing that?

OBI-WAN

The dark side force is strong with him.

ANAKIN

It seems like the stupid is strong with him.

OBI-WAN

Well, there is that.

Angling back and forth a few times, with Maul continuing to return to his starting point, Obi-Wan is starting to look bored and frustrated.

ANAKIN

Uh, how much longer are we gonna wait for this guy?

OBI-WAN

I don't know.  He really should have been here by now.  Aw, screw it.

Obi-Wan puts his light saber away and enters the craft which then flies away.  Maul finally arrives at the point they just departed, jumping off his speeder bike, ready for action.

MAUL

A-ha!  Aw, nuts!  I drew it out too long and didn't get to perform any actions according to my particular, uh ...

SPEEDER BIKE

(mechanized voice)

Idiom?

MAUL

Yes, idiom.

SPEEDER BIKE

(mechanized voice)

Idiot.

MAUL

Shut up.  I could have you replaced with coconuts, you know.

EXT. CORUSCANT LANDING PLATFORM - DAY

The ship is landing as Palpatine is arriving to greet them.  Accompanying him is YODA, a short, elderly frog-like creature who is head of the jedi order.  He leans heavily on a cane that looks to be made of driftwood.  Anakin opens the door of the ship.  Obi-Wan exits first, making sure there is no danger lurking.  The Handmaiden, in full Queen regalia is next.  As she passes Anakin, she slips something discreetly into his hand and gives him a slight grin.  He holds it up inquisitively and sees it is a room key.  Padme notices it, seems displeased and grabs it back from him.  She shoots the Handmaiden a dirty look.  They have a terse discussion in harsh tones as they walk towards Palpatine, with the Handmaiden seeming fairly pleased with herself.  Padme, Handmaiden and Palpatine depart.  Anakin exits the ship and closes it up.  He and Obi-Wan go to meet Yoda.

OBI-WAN

You might be in, there.

ANAKIN

Shut up.

OBI-WAN

Hey, whatever.

Obi-Wan and Anakin reach Yoda.  They start walking toward the jedi temple.

OBI-WAN

Master Yoda, I'd like to introduce you to Anakin Skywalker, a freighter pilot who helped me rescue the Queen from the Trade Federation's invasion force.

YODA

Good to meet you, it is, young Skywalker.

ANAKIN

What?  They don't teach grammar on your planet?

YODA

Strong, you are, with the force, but not strong with the manners and respect for your elders, are you.

ANAKIN

Yeah, I didn't follow any of that.

YODA

Tell me, Obi-Wan, of your encounter with the creature you described.  Strong, was he, with the dark side, you say?  A Sith, I sense, you are thinking.

OBI-WAN

Sure.  You know, Yoda, now that Anakin has brought it up, I didn't want to be rude, but talking with you would be so much easier if you just learned proper grammar.

ANAKIN

That's what I'm saying.

YODA

Yes, yes, mock me if you must, but more important, I think, is the news of this dark lord of the Sith.  Troubled us for centuries, the Sith have not.  Why, return now, would they?

OBI-WAN

I mean, you are many hundreds of years old, so I could see it being difficult, but you've spent most of that on Coruscant.  Just hire a speech therapist, or something.

YODA

To distracted, you are, by my speech patterns.  Clouds it, I foresee, your concentration on the matter at hand.  Also, I think, your promotion prospects, no?

ANAKIN

Also, that cane does nothing for you.

OBI-WAN

Oh, I know.  And he doesn't need it.  Not even a little bit.  It's a total affectation.  You should see him with his light saber, jumping and flipping and bouncing off everything like I don't know what.  But when he's done, it's right back to leaning on the cane like nothing happened.

ANAKIN

Classic.  Why not just walk around normally, then, if he doesn't need it.

OBI-WAN

I've always suspected it's so he can perv on chicks, but if they get wise, he can act all grandfatherly and innocent.

YODA

Right here, still, standing am I.  Hear you, I can.  My feeling, you are hurting.

OBI-WAN

Sorry, Master Yoda.

ANAKIN

Yeah, sorry Yoda dude.

YODA

The Sith, discuss them now, can we?

OBI-WAN

You know, I think the only reason he's head of the order is seniority.

ANAKIN

Seniority?

YODA

Augh!

OBI-WAN

Yep.  His species is so long lived that, even though he's really just the kindergarten teacher, he's managed to reach the top of the ranks based entirely upon attrition.

YODA

Bastards, you are!  Know this, you must!  Insensitive bastards!

OBI-WAN

Frankly, I think he does so well training the younglings because they relate to him.  Plus, he looks like a plush toy.

Yoda begins storming away in anger, forgetting to rely on his cane for support.

ANAKIN

And he's not even using his light saber.

OBI-WAN

Speaking of his light saber ...

Obi-Wan raises one pinky finger to imply small size.

ANAKIN

(calling after Yoda)

Little feet; little boots.

OBI-WAN

And he doesn't even wear boots.

Without looking back, Yoda takes out his light saber, turns it on and holds it aimed back at Obi-Wan and Anakin so that it looks like he's giving them the finger.  Obi-Wan and Anakin start laughing hysterically.

INT. HALL OUTSIDE SENATE AMBASSADORIAL CHAMBER - DAY

Anakin presses a button beside the door.  A small robot emerges from a hole in the wall, scoots over in front of the door and knocks on it a few times before returning to the hole.

ANAKIN

Well, that's practical.

The door slides open to reveal the Sabe in her normal garb.  She smiles slightly.

SABE

Hey, what's up?

ANAKIN

Oh, yeah, uh hey.  Well, I just kinda got the sense that the Queen wanted to see me.  So, I thought maybe I should drop by.

SABE

Oh, you did, did you?  I suppose it was the force that gave you the insight to come up with that?

ANAKIN

What?  Oh yeah, force -- Right.  Well, that and the key she slipped me, that you so rudely took back I might add.

SABE

Well, hey, c'mon in.

INT. SENATE AMBASSADORIAL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS

Anakin enters and the door slides shut behind him.

SABE

She's getting ready for that whole "address the senate to resolve that whole blockade slash invasion" thing that she's got to do.  But I'm sure she can work in some time for you.

AMIDALA (O. S.)

Who is it, Sabe?

SABE

It is Anakin Skywalker, my Queen, come to see you.

AMIDALA (O. S.)

Just a moment.

Amidala, in full Queen regalia, emerges from another room.

AMIDALA

(to Anakin)

Fuck off!

ANAKIN

Alrighty, then.

Amidala returns to the other room.  Sabe makes a sweeping gesture show Anakin out.  He takes the hint and leaves.  The door opens at his approach.  Once he's just outside the doorway, Sabe gives Anakin a quick, backhanded swat on the behind and closes the door, grinning to herself in satisfaction.

INT. HALL OUTSIDE SENATE AMBASSADORIAL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS

Anakin spins around in surprise, but is only greeted by a closed door. He also smiles and then departs.

INT. HALL OUTSIDE SENATE CHAMBER - DAY

Anakin and Sabe are waiting, somewhat bored, outside the chamber.  From time to time they exchange somewhat flirtatious glances.  The door to the senate chamber opens abruptly with Amidala, Palpatine and Obi-Wan emerging.  Amidala is obviously upset and angry.  Obi-Wan seems angry as well, but less so.  Palpatine is feigning anger, but can't fully conceal his self satisfaction.

AMIDALA

(to no one in particular)

Idiots!

SABE

Things didn't go well, I take it?  The Senate didn't agree to help?

AMIDALA

They'd love to help -- Help themselves to Naboo's coffers, that is.  If anything they sided more with the Trade Federation that with us.

ANAKIN

That's government for you.  Happy to take your taxes, but as soon as you need help fighting off an invading droid army you're on your own.

OBI-WAN

Actually, Anakin, you're mistaken.  You see, there isn't an invasion.  Or at least not one the Senate acknowledges.  You'd think they'd believe the evidence of the very person they sent on their behalf.

ANAKIN

I'm sure the Chancellor had every faith in you ...

OBI-WAN

It didn't appear that way.

ANAKIN

... To chop off whatever body part of whatever person he sent you there to, uh, chop off -- Of whom.  Actually, that sentence kind of got away from me.

OBI-WAN

What do you mean?

ANAKIN

Dude, you're a jedi.  The Chancellor is probably just pissed at you because the Viceroy's head and body are still within hailing distance of each other.

OBI-WAN

I'm getting pretty tired of being called a hired thug.

ANAKIN

So change jobs.  Seriously, do you know the difference between you and my "Uncle" Jango?

OBI-WAN

A nifty helmet, a rocket backpack and I haven't nailed your Mom?

SABE

(under her breath)

Yet.

ANAKIN

(to Obi-Wan)

No.

(to Sabe)

And funny.

(to Obi-Wan)

The difference is he doesn't pretend to be something he isn't.  When he bashes skulls, breaks legs or, when he has to, disintegrates people he doesn't call it "aggressive negotiation".

OBI-WAN

So, you think the Chancellor really sent me there to murder the Viceroy of the Trade Federation.

EVERYONE

(except Obi-Wan, in unison)

Yes!

OBI-WAN

I'm going to have a word with the ex-Chancellor.

Obi-Wan turns around and reenters the Senate chamber.

ANAKIN

Wait -- Ex-Chancellor?

AMIDALA

When I saw we were getting nowhere, I called for a vote of non-confidence in his leadership.

PALPATINE

Which, I must say, your Majesty, was a master stroke.  I am very proud of you.

AMIDALA

Yeah, whatever Senator Kissass.  Anyway, when he lost the vote, he almost cried.  It was kinda funny.  Almost made the whole thing worthwhile.

SABE

Worthwhile?  The blockade, the invasion, nearly getting blown up escaping the blockade.  Having to get an insight into the home life of Skywalker over here -- No offense.

ANAKIN

None taken.

SABE

And finally getting here only to be called a liar to your face?  That was worth it to see an old man upset that he lost his job?

AMIDALA

I said "Almost" didn't I?  Geez, Sabs, buzzkill much?

PALPATINE

Speaking of the old man, you don't think Obi-Wan has gone to aggressively negotiate with him, has he?

ANAKIN

I don't know.  Let me use the force.

(closes his eyes)

Hmm -- Let me see.  I foresee ...

(opens his eyes)

I foresee that I don't give a crap.  I'm still getting paid, right?

AMIDALA

If money is all you care about ...

ANAKIN

And it is.

AMIDALA

... Then money is what you'll receive.

ANAKIN

So, that's a yes, right?

AMIDALA

Yes!  But I left my purse on Naboo.  What can I say, I was in a rush.

ANAKIN

Well, the meter's still running, so lets go back there and get it.

AMIDALA

Suits me fine.  This whole trip has been pointless so far.

PALPATINE

But what about the blockade?  The invasion?

AMIDALA

Tell you what.  You try to get yourself elected Chancellor ...

Palpatine quickly grabs a "Palpatine 4 Chancellor" button from his pocket and pins it onto Amidala's gown.

AMIDALA

(continued)

... Which you've obviously wanted all along.  Subtle, by the way.  And I'll return home and do something useful.  Goodbye, Senator.  Don't screw this up.

PALPATINE

You can count on me, your Majesty.

(to Anakin)

Wait -- You can use the force?

Anakin just shrugs noncommittally before turning and walking off with Amidala and Sabe.

EXT. CORUSCANT LANDING PLATFORM - EVENING

Anakin, Padme and Handmaiden are entering Anakin's ship as Obi-Wan arrives.  Once again, Padme is dressed as Sabe and Handmaiden is dress as the Queen.

OBI-WAN

Is there room for one more?

ANAKIN

Sure, dude, the more the merrier.  So, what happened with the ex-Chancellor?  Did you aggressively negotiate his head off?

OBI-WAN

Well, see, the thing is--

ANAKIN

Nah, forget it.  I don't care.

OBI-WAN

Fine.  Do you have a plan?

ANAKIN

Shoot the Viceroy in the face.

HANDMAIDEN

We're not shooting the Viceroy in the face.

ANAKIN

Fine, whatever.  I'll just be shooting.  If the Viceroy just happens to get his face in the way of my shooting, that's his own fault.  Let's just get going.

An extremely excitable Gungan named JAR JAR BINKS arrives at the ship.

JAR JAR

(screaming)

We's a goin' home!

ANAKIN

No, Jar Jar!

Before anyone can react, a surprised Obi-Wan has already whipped out his light saber and severed Jar Jar's head.

OBI-WAN

Oh, wait, was he coming?

ANAKIN

Yes, you ass!  Remember that underwater city I so conveniently pointed out when we first met.

OBI-WAN

I could hardly forget.  You made such a big deal about it, which seemed odd at the time, but in retrospect I'm assuming will be useful.

ANAKIN

Right.  Anyway, he's an exile from there.  He was going to help negotiate for their help.

OBI-WAN

Well, if he was an exile, why would they listen to him?

ANAKIN

Hey, good point.  Fuck him then.

(to Jar Jar's corpse)

You hear that, you annoying pile of crap?  I said, "Fuck you!"

Anakin goes over and field goal kicks Jar Jar's severed head off the landing platform.

OBI-WAN

Was that really necessary?

ANAKIN

You met him for half a second and you chopped his head off.  I've known that guy for years.  Trust me, your first impression was right on the money.

OBI-WAN

Whatever.  I just meant you don't know what that's gonna hit on the way down.  If you think a penny's bad, try walking around and suddenly being hit by severed head.

ANAKIN

What's a penny.

OBI-WAN

Doesn't matter.  Let's just go.

Anakin and Obi-Wan join Padme and Handmaiden in the ship.

ANAKIN

You see what I mean about the body part removal thing, though, right?

OBI-WAN

Shut up!

INT. CORUSCANT - PALPATINE'S OFFICE

Palpatine is seated at his office.  He presses a few buttons and the image of the Federation ship's bridge appears, with Maul, the Viceroy and his Lieutenant visible.  Maul looks briefly startled.

MAUL

Oh.  Wrong number, you say?

With his eyes, Maul gives Palpatine a "what are you doing?!?" look and hits the button to terminate the connection.

INT. FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Maul looks relieved as the Viceroy and the Lieutenant look baffled.

VICEROY

Who was that?

MAUL

A wrong number.

LIEUTENANT

It kinda looked like Senator Palpatine.

MAUL

No, no, that was clearly not Senator Palpatine.

VICEROY

Do you know Senator Palpatine?

MAUL

No!  Uh, of course not.

LIEUTENANT

So how do you know it wasn't him?

MAUL

Oh, that Senator Palpatine.  Oh yeah, I know him.  I mean, I know of him.  We've never met, or anything, but he's like famous and stuff.  I'd know him to see him.

VICEROY

Oh, OK.  That's makes sense.

LIEUTENANT

Hold on, you know a Senator Palpatine that you don't know?

MAUL

What?

LIEUTENANT

You said you didn't know Palpatine and then you said, "Oh, that Palpatine." Who you did, at least, know of.  So that means there's a Senator Palpatine that you know of that you don't know of.  That seems rather suspicious.

MAUL

Ah, well, the thing with that is ... Oh, screw it!

(mind trick)

The person who just called was a wrong number and not Senator Palpatine.

LIEUTENANT and VICEROY

(in unison)

Hi.  The person who just called was a wrong number and not Senator Palpatine.

MAUL

Assholes.

VICEROY

What?

MAUL

Nothing.

INT. CORUSCANT - PALPATINE'S OFFICE

As the communication from Maul fades out, Palpatine is briefly puzzled before noticing his Sideous cloak hanging on its hook.

PALPATINE

Sonovabitch!

Palpatine gets up, puts on his cloak and returns to his seat before reestablishing communications.

VICEROY

Ah, my lord, did you just call here?

SIDEOUS

No.  That was a wrong number.

LIEUTENANT

How do you know it was a wrong number if it wasn't you?

SIDEOUS

Well, you thought it was me, but it wasn't so ... Look, don't make me mind trick you.

VICEROY

Whatever.  Did the Queen arrive?

SIDEOUS

Yes.  She's been and gone.  She's returning to Naboo.

LIEUTENANT

That's great.  We'll capture here when she tries to run the blockade.

SIDEOUS

You'll do no such thing.  Hey, didn't I tell you I never wanted to talk to you again?

LIEUTENANT

Sounds like something you'd say.

VICEROY

Why aren't we going to capture her at the blockade, my lord?

SIDEOUS

Well, for one thing, because there won't be a blockade.

VICEROY

Wait?  What?  Are we supposed to surrender?  We haven't achieved any of our goals.  Why won't there be a blockade?

SIDEOUS

Because I said so.  Look, leave one droid control ship and withdraw the rest, including your ship.  Take a shuttle down to the planet and co-ordinate the forces from the palace.

LIEUTENANT

I'm not going down in the same shuttle as you.

VICEROY

(to the Lieutenant)

He told you to shut up.

LIEUTENANT

I'm just sayin'.

VICEROY

Shut up!

(to Sideous)

Why would we do this?  Your plan makes no sense.

SIDEOUS

The Queen's return to Naboo is unexpected.  We must counter it with something equally unexpected.

(to Maul)

Make sure they do as they are told.

MAUL

Yes, my master.  Seems a bit daft, me guarding him when he's a guard.

LIEUTENANT

He's doing it again!

Sideous shuts down the communication channel.

SIDEOUS

Idiot!

MAUL (V. O.)

(fading out)

It's pronounced idiom ...

INT. ANAKIN'S FREIGHTER - DAY

Anakin looks at the viewscreen in the freighter as it shows their approach to Naboo and a single ship left in orbit.

ANAKIN

Wasn't there a whole blockade thing going on here when we left.  You know, that whole reason for why we were doing all this stuff?

HANDMAIDEN

(sarcastically)

Yeah, I think something about a blockade might have come up.

ANAKIN

Well, it appears to have come and gone. Look.

The other characters gather around the viewscreen.

HANDMAIDEN

They can't have just gone home, can they?

ANAKIN

Maybe the rest of the ships were rentals and they had to get them back to avoid paying late fees.  They are the Trade Federation after all.  They are bound to be mindful of incurring excess costs.

OBI-WAN

Maybe, now that they've landed their invasion force, they either don't feel the need for a blockade, or they just decided to land the rest of their craft on Naboo to save fuel costs.

ANAKIN

Whatever they're up to it'll make getting down to Gunga city a lot easier.  We sure won't need to go through ...

(scary voice)

... The planet core.

PADME

Was that ever really an option?

ANAKIN

Not so far as I can see.

HANDMAIDEN

And what's up with the silly voice?

ANAKIN

It seemed appropriate at the time.

OBI-WAN

And in retrospect?

ANAKIN

Not so much.

EXT. GUNGA CITY - LANDING PLATFORM

The underwater Gunga City is a vast complex of interconnected forcefields containing air pockets which house an array of buildings.  The air is recycled by machines similar to artificial gills that extract oxygen from the water in the lake.  A security team meets the passengers at the landing platform and escort them through the city towards the Bosses' chamber.

INT. GUNGA CITY - BOSSES' CHAMBER

The Bosses are seated on elevated chairs overlooking the central well.  In the middle, and on the highest chair, is the leader of all Gungans, BOSS NASS.

NASS

Anakin, my boy, it's good to see you again.  But why have you brought these other outsiders with you?  Why have your brought the Naboo to my city?

ANAKIN

I apologize, Boss, but I don't know how much you've heard about what's happening on the surface.

NASS

We know all about it.  And we don't care.  It is between the Naboo and the droids.  What should we care about it?

The Handmaiden, still in Queen regalia, steps forward.

HANDMAIDEN

Boss Nass, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo.

NASS

I know who you are.

HANDMAIDEN

Then you probably know that we are a peaceful people.  We have no army to defend ourselves.

NASS

Well, whose fault is that?  You know, if you people didn't insist on electing teenage girls to wield executive authority based primarily on their appearance, maybe you wouldn't have some kind of rainbows and unicorns society that can't defend itself.  Did you ever think of that?  I mean, c'mon, what kind of a system is that?

Padme steps forward, puts a hand on Handmaiden's shoulder to let her know that she's taking over.

PADME

Boss Nass, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo.

Nass, Obi-Wan and Anakin seem briefly confused, but a look of understanding passes across Obi-Wan's face.  Anakin is still confused, but becomes resolved and steps forward.

ANAKIN

Boss Nass, I am Queen Amidala of the Naboo.

PADME

What?!?

OBI-WAN

No, dude, that's not what we're doing.

NASS

Did he just say that he's Queen of Naboo.

PADME

It's OK, Boss, he's just confused.

(to Anakin)

Step back, Idiot.

NASS

OK, what's going on?

PADME

I am the real Queen of Naboo.  Sabe, who is dressed in my royal robes, is my handmaiden, bodyguard and decoy.

NASS

And him?

PADME

He's just being an idiot.  He thought we were doing something he probably saw in a movie -- I don't know.

ANAKIN

Yeah, uh, sorry about that.  And, just for the record I am not the Queen of Naboo.

NASS

Yeah, I don't think that needed saying.

PADME

Is there any way I can convince you to help me, Boss Nass?

Nass puts his hand to his chin and ponders for a moment before speaking.

NASS

I want you down on your knees.

Without a moment's hesitation Padme goes down to one knee and bows her head in supplication.  The others are about to kneel as well in support of the Queen.

NASS

Doing it over there does me no good.

The others remain standing.  Padme looks up.

NASS

Seriously, you can't do it from all the way across the room.  I may be the big boss, but that might be stretching it, if you know what I mean.  And I mean fellatio in case you don't know what I mean.

PADME

(to Obi-Wan)

You know, if you were planning to volunteer to be Queen Amidala of the Naboo, now would be a good time.

OBI-WAN

That's OK -- I'm good.

PADME

Asshole!

EXT. NABOO - OUTSIDE THE PALACE - DAY

Lieutenant, Maul and Android are waiting on the street outside the palace for Viceroy who is tiredly struggling down the street.  In view are the shuttle the first three arrived in and the scattered wreckage of several other shuttles.  The Viceroy is startled when the shuttle that actually managed to get him to the ground, and is off in the distance, explodes without warning or reason.

VICEROY

(panting)

Finally.  The palace at Theed.

ANDROID

The palace at Theed?

LIEUTENANT

The palace at Theed!

MAUL

It's only a model.

VICEROY

Shut up!  Besides it would probably be CGI.

ANDROID

Or a matte painting at the very least.

LIEUTENANT

Yeah.

MAUL

On second thought, let's not go to Theed Palace -- It's a silly place.

VICEROY

Shut up!

MAUL

Help, help!  I'm being repressed!

ANDROID

I know he's doing a bit, but he does have a point.

VICEROY

I'm not repressing him.

MAUL

Come see the violence inherent in the system!

ANDROID

No, not that.  Leaving a heavily fortified ship to just wait for the Queen to return to her castle, where you know she has the advantage of local knowledge.

MAUL

Bring out your dead!

LIEUTENANT

I must admit, Viceroy, I'm losing patience with Sideous and his "Rube Goldberg" machinations.

Maul, with his hand on his light saber gets in the face of the Viceroy.

MAUL

(menacing)

Bring out your dead.

He then turns and gets in the face of the Lieutenant.

MAUL

(menacing)

Come see the violence inherent in the system.

Before anyone can react, Maul's double light saber is on and whirling about him like a tornado.  The Android is sliced into pieces like he's a loaf of bread.

VICEROY

You know, I'm beginning to see the benefits of Sideous' plan.

LIEUTENANT

The thing about a "Rube Goldberg" device is that it's complicated and interesting, and a well designed one always gets to the goal in the end.

VICEROY

I was thinking the same thing.

Maul, Viceroy and Lieutenant proceed up the steps to the palace.

EXT. NABOO - THEED RIVER - DAY

The peaceful flow of the river Theed is disrupted by the emergence of amphibious assault vehicles, Gungan troops and the rest of the Gungan forces.  Boss Nass opens the top of the vehicle from which he's leading the army to survey the troops.  Although most every soldier is properly equipped with blasters, he notices one Gungan carrying a sling and dragging behind him a number of glowing blue balls in a sack.

NASS

What are you doing with those?

Gungan

What do you mean?

NASS

Do you see anyone else with stupid ass weapons like that?  Are you trying to make us look like idiots?

Gungan

Well, I just thought--

NASS

I mean, what kind of self respecting army would throw glowing balls with slings in a battle situation.  Put those down and get a proper blaster rifle like everyone else.

Gungan

Yes, Boss.

NASS

Asshole.

INT. NABOO - HANGAR - DAY

Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padme sneak into the hangar.  There are a number of pilots and other security volunteers being held here, guarded by Battle Droids.  Obi-Wan approaches the LEAD DROID.

OBI-WAN

(mind trick)

You will release these men.

The lead droid is about to wave but is interrupted.

PADME

(calling from her hiding place)

And women?

OBI-WAN

(shouting over his shoulder)

What?

PADME

(calling)

And women.  We clearly have both men and women in our security forces.

OBI-WAN

(shouting)

Is this the time?

PADME

(calling)

It's always the time for gender equality.

OBI-WAN

Whatever.

(mind trick)

You will release these men and women.

Again, the lead droid is about to wave, but is interrupted.

PADME

(calling)

Or you could just say people.

OBI-WAN

(shouting)

Shut up!

PADME

(calling)

Who's Queen, anyway?

Instead of repeating his mind trick command, looks at the lead droid and gestures to him, indicating that it is time to respond to the mind trick.

LEAD DROID

Oh, so it's my turn now?

OBI-WAN

Yes.

LEAD DROID

Finally.

The lead droid waves hello.

LEAD DROID

Hi.  OK, I don't know if you get it, but mind tricks don't work on droids.  Seriously!

OBI-WAN

Fair enough.

Obi-Wan's light saber is immediately in his hand and he's slicing through the lead droid.  The other droids fire at him, but he handily blocks their attacks back at them and soon all the battle droids are destroyed.  Padme emerges from hiding.

PADME

Pilots, to your ships.  We need to knock out the control ship.  It shouldn't be hard to find, it's the only one still up there.  Security volunteers, come with us to the palace.

The pilots scramble into the available ships as the security volunteers grab the weapons from the non-functioning droids.  The pilots take off into the sky.  There are still several ships leftover.

ANAKIN

Good thing they kept the pilots right next to their ships.

OBI-WAN

I know.  That really saved us a bunch of time.

PADME

Let's go.

As they approach the door that leads towards the palace, it opens by itself to reveal Maul standing there, looking menacing.

MAUL

None shall pass!

OBI-WAN

I'll handle this.

ANAKIN

Yeah, good luck with that.

Obi-Wan proceeds forward to engage Maul in battle.  The doors close behind him.

PADME

We'll have to go the long route.

A number of destroyer droids enter from the hangar door side, pining the Naboo forces down along the wall with blaster fire.  The security volunteers fire back, but their hand blasters are no match for the destroyers' shields.  Thinking quickly, Anakin is able to jump into the cockpit of a ship and use its stronger weaponry to destroy the destroyer droids.

ANAKIN

(triumphant)

Who's the man?

PADME

Please, please, please never say that again.  Are you coming or are you just gonna hide in that ship all day?

ANAKIN

Neither.  I've got me a date with a droid control ship.

PADME

Fine.  Whatever.  OK, the rest of us, to the palace.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSKIRTS OF THEED - DAY

The Gungan and Droid armies face off against each other.  Both have shield generators, so long range assaults are ineffective on both sides.  The combatants themselves can pass through the shields and so they have to fight using ground forces to try to infiltrate the other's position, trying to knock out their shields.

EXT. SPACE NEAR DROID CONTROL SHIP

As Anakin approaches the droid ship, battle is already underway.  The control ship has released fighters for ship to ship dogfighting against the Naboo pilots.  The droid ship, too, is heavily shielded and is immune to fire from the Naboo ships.  Once he joins the fray, Anakin is able to distinguish himself with his flight and combat skills.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSIDE THE PALACE - DAY

The security volunteers approach the palace.  Padme discreetly has a word with one of the volunteers and then they split the force in two.  The other force goes around to the opposite side of the building while Padme breaks out a bag of equipment she's been carrying which consists of "ascention guns" which are guns with grappling hooks, lines and winches.  They fire the guns simultaneously and use them to ascend to an upper floor ledge and enter through a window.

INT. NABOO - POWERSTATION

Obi-Wan and Maul are preparing to fight in the impossibly large Naboo powerstation.  It consists primarily of a set of bridges over various completely unnecessary chasms.  There are flashing lights and other weird cycling forcefields that make it more like a video game than a functioning powerstation.

MAUL

None shall pass.

OBI-WAN

Seriously?

MAUL

None shall pass.

OBI-WAN

I mean, that's what you're going with?  "None shall pass?"

MAUL

None shall pass.

OBI-WAN

You know that doesn't end well for you, right?

MAUL

What do you mean?

OBI-WAN

Well, you're casting yourself as the Black Knight.

MAUL

Yeah.  He's badass.

OBI-WAN

Fine.  Granted.  But if you're the Black Knight, then that must make me Arthur.

MAUL

I suppose.

OBI-WAN

So then why would you want to be the Black Knight?  Arthur chops all his limbs off.  I mean, sure, it's pretty badass that a head and torso is able to call for a draw and then go on to continue threatening Arthur as he calmly walks past him.

MAUL

Yeah, I love that scene.

OBI-WAN

Apparently.  And hey, if you think about it, we probably have the technology that a guy who's had all his limbs removed could have them replaced with robotic ones.

MAUL

Ooh, that would be kinda cool.  I could even be taller if I wanted.  That would be sweet.

OBI-WAN

Sure.  Whatever you want.  But, you'd still lose the fight.

MAUL

It'd be a draw.

OBI-WAN

Whatever gets you through the night.  But I'd still get to go right on past you and help the Queen defeat your bosses.

MAUL

What?  You'd just run away?  You lily-livered ...

OBI-WAN

So, I don't exactly get what the point of any of this is.  It seems to be far too complicated to achieve anything practical, but I'm guessing that whoever's in charge isn't gonna take too kindly to your failure.

MAUL

You may have a point.

OBI-WAN

So, can we just skip all this Black Knight scene nonsense and just get on with it?

MAUL

Let me think about it. (pause)

(old man voice)

Before ye cross the bridge of death, ye must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side ye see.

OBI-WAN

(exasperated)

You know, there are other Monty Python movies!

INT. NABOO - THEED PALACE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM

Padme and her security volunteers are fighting a pitched battle with the battle droids that were left behind to guard the palace.  They are doing an admirable job until droid reinforcements arrive and outflank them.  They are forced to drop their weapons and surrender.  The DROID GUARD LEADER steps forward.

DROID GUARD LEADER

Take them into the throne room.

DROID GUARD

Roger, Roger.

DROID GUARD LEADER

Who is this Roger?  My name's Philip.

DROID GUARD

Roger, Philip.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSKIRTS OF THEED - DAY

The battle begins to go against the Gungans.  Their shield generator is destroyed and the full force of the droid army begins to come into play.  The Gungans continue to fight on defiantly.  Droid tanks begin to emerge from the protection of the shield under the cover of artillery.  Out of nowhere, one of the droid tanks is destroyed when it is hit by a glowing blue sphere that explodes on contact.  Nass looks around and finds the Gungan with the sling.

GUNGAN

See -- Told ya.

One of the other droid tanks gets a bead on the Gungan and blasts his stack of blue spheres, detonating them all and completely immolating him.

NASS

Can't say I didn't warn ya.

EXT. SPACE NEAR DROID CONTROL SHIP

The two groups of fighters continue to battle.  The Trade Federation side is gaining the advantage of closer supply lines and can refuel and get reinforcements from the droid control ship.  Anakin notices one of the Federation ships going in for refueling and follow him in towards the control ship's landing bay.  He destroys the enemy fighter just before it reaches the landing bay and flies his fighter through the cloud of wreckage, somehow avoiding the debris, and into the landing bay.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSKIRTS OF THEED - DAY

The battle has gone completely against the Gungans and they are forced to surrender to the droid army.

INT. NABOO - THEED PALACE THRONE ROOM

Padme and her security volunteers and escorted into the throne room.  She is brought before the Viceroy.

VICEROY

Now, Queen, you will be forced to sign the treaty.

PADME

What are you gonna do?  Shoot me?

VICEROY

Probably.

PADME

Anybody got a pen?

A number of droid guards start falling to blaster fire.  From outside in the hallway, Handmaiden, dressed as the Queen, is leading the rest of the security volunteers against the droids.

VICEROY

You have captured the wrong one.

LIEUTENANT

She's a decoy.

With the distraction Padme is able to retrieve weapons from a compartment in the throne.  Also visible are sex toys and jedi porn.  She tosses one of the guns to a security volunteer while aiming the other one at the Viceroy's head.  The security volunteer aims at the Lieutenant.

PADME

It seems I won't be signing any treaties with you, Viceroy.

EXT. SPACE NEAR DROID CONTROL SHIP

The droid control ship starts exploding from the inside out.  Anakin's ship emerges from the landing bay just as the whole thing blows up.

ANAKIN

(excited)

Yippee-ka-yay, motherfuckers!

Without the control ship as a supply line, the Naboo fighters are able to easily dispatch the rest of the Federation fighters.

EXT. NABOO - OUTSKIRTS OF THEED - DAY

All the droids that were fighting and capturing the Gungans suddenly deactivate and slouch over.

INT. NABOO - THEED PALACE THRONE ROOM

Padme puts her gun right to the Viceroy's temple.

PADME

Now, have your droids--

All the droid guards deactivate.

PADME

(continued)

Well, that was kinda anti-climactic.  Who puts a single point of failure into an invasion force?

LIEUTENANT

I hear ya, sister.

PADME

Shut up.

EXT. NABOO - PALACE COURTYARD - NIGHT

Celebrations of victory are in full swing.  There's music and fireworks and a huge assembly of guests.  In the background a ship lands.  Palatine and Yoda exit the craft as the Viceroy and his Lieutenant are lead aboard in handcuffs by some security volunteers.  On Palpatine's outfit are a pair of pins, one reading "Palpatine: Yes We Can!" and the other reads "Palpatine: Yes We Did!".  Palpatine and Yoda join several other dignitaries on a stage which include Amidala, Sabe and a number of assorted bureaucrats.

Nass and Anakin make an entrance and also go on stage to thunderous applause.  They stand before Amidala.  First, Amidala takes a gold medallion and puts it around Anakin's neck.  She gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  He then rubs his fingers together, doing the "money" gesture.  Amidala sighs, turns to Sabe and points to her purse, which Sabe then dutifully passes to her Queen.  She hands Anakin a large amount of currency and he nods his head in thanks before leaving.  As he walks away she gives him a quick swat on the behind.  He turns around, surprised, and then smiles.  However that smile turns to a look of confusion as he can't tell if it was Amidala or the Handmaiden.

Sabe brings forth some weird glowing ball which she hands to Amidala who then presents it to Nass.  Nass holds it up triumphantly.  Anakin makes his way over the Palpatine and Yoda.

PALPATINE

Congratulations.  I will observe your career with interest.

ANAKIN

Dude, you are so fucking creepy.  Leave me alone.

PALPATINE

Sorry.

YODA

Master Obi-Wan, seen him I have not.  Know, do you, his whereabouts ...

It looks like Anakin is about to break into laughter.

YODA

(angrily)

Mock me not, fuck hole!

Anakin puts his hand up in an "I surrender" gesture.

YODA

Much to discuss, with him, I have.

ANAKIN

No idea.  Now that you mention it, I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since we encountered that dude with the spiky head.  Ah, they probably just chopped each others' heads off.

Both Yoda and Palpatine seem concerned for their friends.

INT. NABOO - POWERSTATION

Obi-Wan and Maul are seated on the edge of one of the bridges with their feet dangling into the abyss below them.

OBI-WAN

So, the host's wife comes in and says, "It's a Mr. Grim -- He says he's a reaper."

Maul laughs.  Suddenly his ears perk up.

MAUL

Hey, what's that sound?  Do I hear music?

Obi-Wan pauses to listen, too.

OBI-WAN

Hey, you're right.  Somebody must have won, or something.

MAUL

Oh, that's cool.  Wait -- We forgot to have a light saber duel!

OBI-WAN

Sonofabitch!

Both Obi-Wan and Maul spring to their feet, drawing their light sabers and striking at their opponents.  Freeze frame with both having their light sabers within inches of each others' necks, as Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" plays.

Roll end credits.

FADE OUT: