Like a Bad Penny

        Someone was barking.
        They didn't know why they were barking, in fact they hadn't realized 
that they had started barking, but now, having listened to 
themselves for a moment, they could tell for quite certain that they 
were indeed barking.
        So they began to bark a semi-tone higher.
        For some reason it seemed the correct thing to do.  As dogs just 
bark for no apparent reason, they tend to spontaneously change to a 
higher key every so often.  No one knows why, or particularly cares 
why, they do it, but they do.
        So they began to bark another semi-tone higher.
        Now think, they thought, which is odd in that someone would have to 
think something like that to themselves, What is going on?
In order to get in a better position to think, they decided to have 
a seat and really think all this barking business through.  They 
began to notice several things, in which order they noticed them is 
not really important, but what was important was that they noticed 
them.  With the first observation of these things, the meaning of 
the barking slowly began to fall into place.
        The important observations were these: there was nowhere to sit, 
they had nothing to sit with, and even if they could sit somewhere 
with something, there was still nowhere to put the place they were 
going to sit their something.  This mess of observations compiled 
down to three very important facts.
        1.  The Earth was gone.
        2.  Their body was gone.
        3.  He wasn't.
        It was good that he'd finally determined he was a male, notice the 
apt use of the past tense, because it gets rid of all that use of 
the plural as the gender neutral.  Though quite an elegant form of 
address, it does tend to get a bit confusing when overused, much 
like it was in the above paragraphs.
        The reason that he'd determined that he was a male, as opposed to 
any of the other things he might be which for most of his life he'd 
quite incorrectly numbered at one, was that he remembered he        
used to be an ape-descended humanoid, although he'd never have put 
it that way, of the male gender who'd narrowly escaped the 
destruction of his home planet, a small blue-green one, the 
aforementioned Earth, only to have returned years later just in time 
to be present for the event.  And, he'd remembered his name.
        He used to be Arthur Dent.
        And, he'd remembered what all the barking was about.
        He was barking mad.
        True, he had every right to be angry, what with having duly expired 
only moments ago in a huge fireball of colliding matter, energy, 
time and probability in exactly the sort of way that they don't do 
that, but such that it makes quite a lovely special effect, and all.  
But, Arthur Dent wasn't barking angry.
        He was barking mad.
        Not an entirely unreasonable course of action, when you think about 
it, as Arthur was doing right now.  Saves one from the pain and 
despair of actually being aware of ones impeding doom, and of course 
as, in cases like this, there's unlikely to be much in the way of a 
body to worry about, well who really needs their mind to hang around 
right up until the end.  So if their mind decides to knock off a bit 
early and get a start on whatever minds get up to when they've no 
longer got one of those body things to worry about, well then a few 
seconds work here and there aren't going to matter all that much.
        Unfortunately, Arthur realized, he was thinking about it, right now.  
Thinking, now isn't that one of those things that minds go on about 
doing?  What business did he have going about with all this thinking 
he was doing now?  Didn't he, after all, just lose his mind?
Just as Arthur was pondering that, and getting his strength together 
for a really good session of barking, he entirely failed to notice 
the lack of sensation that was in no way caused by a sudden influx 
of gravity, which by the way in no way did anything that could even 
remotely be called influxing especially considering that there is no 
such word, but even if there were, it wouldn't apply to gravity, 
which was due largely to the sudden appearance of matter, yes is 
suppose matter can certainly appear and that is definitely a word, 
have you noticed that this sentence is getting awfully long, right 
underneath what Arthur would have called his feet, if he had feet, 
it's taking up the whole paragraph, which he didn't.
        "Hello Earthman", Slartibartfast greeted him, "How's the lifestyle 
coming together?"
        "Not well, I'm afraid.  I seemed to have died.", Arthur responded.  
He didn't seem to have noticed Slartibartfast's appearance, but it 
didn't seem to surprise him in any way.  One of the advantages of 
knowing that you're barking mad, although Arthur had decided to give 
up on all the barking business because it was beginning to give him 
a rather sore lack of throat, is that sudden appearances seem to 
lose their surprise appeal.
        "Oh yes", observed Slartibartfast without undue concern, "Now that 
you mention it.  I suppose I should ask you how the death style is 
coming together."
        "I'm barking mad."
        "Oh yes, so you are.  So how do you like my fjords?"
        Arthur looked around and noticed for the first time all the scenery 
that surrounded him.  He was standing at the edge of a precipice, 
overlooking an inlet of sea.  It was quite a breathtaking sight, or 
would have been had Arthur not already, as has been explained 
entirely too many times, expired, thus obviating the need to take 
any further breaths.  Also standing is not exactly the appropriate 
word for what it was he was doing, but it gives you the general 
idea.
        "Quite lovely.  So, where's this?  Norway?  Sweden?  Woof!  
Finland?", inquired Arthur, without a lot of interest.
        "Croydon.", Slartibartfast replied simply.
        It took a few moments for Arthur to answer, and then he asked, 
"Croydon?"
        Slartibartfast nodded, quite pleased with himself.
        "There are no fjords in Croydon.", observed Arthur.
        "No?"
        "Well, no.  I mean, it's twenty five miles to the nearest sea, for 
one thing.  I've been to Croydon, and if there's one thing I would 
have noticed, it would have been a fjord."
        "Really?  I might have gone overboard slightly with them.  It's just 
that I do so love the crinkly bits.  Besides, I was asked to make a 
few changes from the original design."
        "Why?"
        "Copyright reasons."
        "Copyright?"
        "Well, yes Earthman, have you ever wondered why those ... oh what do 
you call them ... uh ... photocopies, that's it, have bits around 
the edges that aren't quite right?"
        "Yes.  I'd just figured that was a limitation of the technology."
        "Oh, no.  It'd be no problem to copy things exactly, but it's 
prohibited by intergalactic law.  You're only allowed to make a copy 
within a certain percent accuracy, for copyright reasons."
        "I see."
        "No, Earthman, I don't think you do.  Do you know why the Earth was 
destroyed?"
        "Yes, to make way for a hyperspace bypass."
        "No, Earthman.  You really don't understand the workings of the 
universe, do you?"
        "Frankly, no.  I thought we'd established that.  After all, I'm 
barking mad."
        "Oh yes, so you said.  Anyway, the Earth was destroyed because there 
was a demolition order for it."
        "But surely, there was only a demolition order because of plans to 
build a hyperspace bypass."
        "Of course, but if the order was never signed, the demolition 
would've never taken place, no matter how much one planned it to 
happen because that's just the type of creatures the Vogons are."
        "So what's the point?"
        "The what?  Oh, yeah, the Vogons already have a demolition order for 
the Earth, but not for the Earth Mark II.  If it was a complete copy 
of the original Earth, they could've just gone on demolishing it as 
though it were the Earth."
        "So, what difference does it make?  They just have to go back and 
get a new demolition order."
        "Why would anyone do something as silly as all that then?", asked a 
surprised Slartibartfast.
        "What?"
        "Why would anyone do something as silly as all that then?", 
Slartibartfast repeated.
        "No, I mean, could you explain that remark.", barked Arthur.  
Actually, it sounded more like he said, "Woof, woof woof, woof woof 
woof woof woof.", but Slartibartfast knew what he meant.
        "You know you really should see someone about that condition of 
yours.  Anyway, there'd be no point in getting a new demolition 
order, because there's no need for it.  Just after the original 
order was signed, it was determined that the bypass wasn't all the 
necessary anyway, so the committee disbanded and they went on with 
messing around with peoples lives in other parts of the galaxy."
Arthur did his best to look shocked.  It would have been much easier 
to do so had he anything to actually go about looking like something 
with, which he didn't, and also because there was a strange 
comforting familiarity with this new bizarre idea.  He supposed that 
this was partly due to the fact that he was getting used to this 
sort of thing going on in the galaxy.  Then there was the fact that 
he was barking mad.
        "Let me get this straight.  There was a need for a hyperspace 
bypass, so the Earth was scheduled for demolition, but then there 
wasn't a need for the bypass, but the Earth was still demolished, 
and in fact they went to the extreme of completely reverse 
engineering probability so that all Earths in all the so called 
alternate universes are demolished, in spite of the fact that there 
was no reason to do it."
        "Sure there was a reason to do it.", commented Slartibartfast.
        "Which was?"
        "There was a demolition order from the committee to build the 
hyperspace bypass.  They had to fulfill the order, it's the law."
        "Why didn't they rescind the order?"
        "Who?"
        "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."
        "Because the committee had already disbanded, so they couldn't 
possibly rescind the order, because only the committee had the 
authority to rescind it and the committee had already disbanded."
Arthur made no further comment on the idea.  What was the point?  
What was done was done, and that was that.
        "Woof a minute.  I may be barking mad, and quite dead, but I'm not 
exactly gone.  Could I, somehow, go back in time and manipulate the 
probabilities so that Ford and Random and the Trillians weren't on 
the planet when it was destroyed?"
        "No."
        "Why not?"
        "Well, it's dangerous."
        "Yes."
        "You have no body."
        "Yes."
        "You don't know how to go back in time."
        "Uh huh."
        "You're dead."
        "Indeed."
        "You don't know how to manipulate the probabilities so that they 
survive."
        "Okay."
        "And you are barking mad."
        "Woof.  What if, for example, the Heart of Gold was to travel 
through time, pick me up, go back in time so that I could warn Ford 
and then he could make sure everyone survives, then we'd go forward 
in time so that I could meet him there and then the Heart of Gold 
could go back to its original time."
        Slartibartfast thought about that for a moment.  "That's quite an 
order to fulfill.  The odds against it must be astronomical."
        "Really, how much do you suppose."
        "I've never really been that good with figures."
        "Okay what are the odds that you'd know the correct odds?"
        "About two raised to the power of fifty four to one against."
        "And what then would you say the woof are of that other thing 
happening?"
        "Two raised to the power of 4,398,046,511,104.", stated 
Slartibartfast with the cool confidence of one who has not even a 
shred of confidence in his body.
        Out of the Heart of Gold strode Zaphod Beeblebrox, with all the 
appropriate number of limbs and heads, and Trillian, formerly Tricia 
MacMillan.  In the door, Arthur could see, if see was the right word 
for it, see Marvin standing quite depressedly in the doorway.  For a 
manic-depressive, Marvin seemed to rather spend entirely too much 
time at one extreme of these moods swings, Arthur observed.  In all 
the time he'd known Marvin, he'd yet to see any behaviour even 
approximating maniacal.  In fact, Marvin did rather tend more toward 
a malady such as dementia praecox.  Of course it could be that 
androids such as Marvin that could theoretically have an infinite 
lifespan, or at least as infinite one as is appropriate to this kind 
of universe, and therefore their mood swings take rather a long time 
to be noticed.  Of course, Arthur is barking mad and therefore any 
of his observations aren't worth the spittle that isn't at this 
moment dripping out from between his entire lack of lips and isn't 
dribbling down his no face and hitting his complete absence of 
shoes, feet or other lower extremities.
        Zaphod and Trillian notice Slartibartfast and walk over to him.  
        "Say, old man", Zaphod yells, "What is this place?"
        "This place?  This is the Earth."
        "Well, yeah, okay, but where on Earth are we, Norway, or uh 
something?"
        "Croydon.", answers Arthur glibly, for once knowing the answers that 
Zaphod didn't.
        "He can't hear you, Earthman.", Slartibartfast says to Arthur, or 
thin air as Zaphod and Trillian prefer to call him.
        "I'm not an earthman, and who can't hear me?", Zaphod answers, 
clearly thinking the old man an idiot, or at least barking mad.
        "Nobody."
        "What?"
        "Nobody can't hear you?"
        "Look, uh, yeah, old man, I can tell you've obviously been on your 
own for a bit, so we'll take this slow.", condescended Zaphod, "You 
said that he can't hear me, who is he?"
        "I didn't say he couldn't hear you."
        "Yes, you did."
        "You did", Trillian piped in, "You said 'He can't hear you, 
earthman.'"
        "Exactly.", pronounced Slartibartfast.
        "Ah hah!", exclaimed Zaphod quite unnecessarily.
        "So obviously I was talking to the Earthman."
Zaphod and Trillian looked around and saw only the three of them 
there.  Trillian, although from Earth, was definitely not a man, 
being a woman and all, so it was doubtful that the old man was 
talking about her.  Zaphod, was certainly not from Earth so that let 
him out right there, so the only one of them left was the old man.
        Trillian tried a new tact.  "By the way my name is Trillian, I am 
from Earth, and this is Zaphod Beeblebrox, and he's not.  May I ask 
who you are?"
        "My name?  My name is not important."
        "Well, yeah, uh, okay, but where are you from?", Zaphod asked.
        "The planet of Magrathea."
        "The Lost Planet of Magrathea?"
        "Uh, well, no, I come from the one that I know where it is.  Anyway 
I think we've gotten a little bit off the track.  You see, the thing 
is that my friend here is late."
        "Oh, I see, so he's a bit behind schedule, so he nipped off early 
and that's why we can't hear him, because he's no longer here, 
right?", supposed Zaphod.
        "Wrong.", replied Slartibartfast.
        "Wrong?", asked Zaphod.
        "Wrong.", repeated Arthur.
        "Wrong?", re-asked Trillian.
        Slartibartfast and Arthur both suddenly look at Trillian in 
surprise.  She smiles shyly, shrugs and says, "Sorry."
        "Yes, wrong.  My friend is late because he is the late Arthur Dent."
        "Didn't we have that joke earlier?", asked Zaphod, to Trillian.
        "Yes, but that hasn't happened yet.", confirmed Trillian.
        "You see, my friend Arthur Dent is dead. ", explains Slartibartfast.
        "And barking woof!", adds Arthur.
        "Oh yes, and he is barking woof.", adds Slartibartfast.
        "Barking what?", Zaphod asks.
        "Barking mad.", Trillian answers.
        "Look, would you stop answering me, yeah?", Zaphod inquires of 
Trillian, "You're making me look bad."
        "Funny, you've never needed any help with that before.", jokes 
Arthur.
        "Oh yeah, you semi-evolved simian", shouts Zaphod at the place 
Arthur is standing is as much as Arthur can stand anywhere, "You are 
about as funny as a barrel full of one monkey without the barrel.  
Not very."
        It strikes the group that somewhere along the line, they'd begun to 
actually perceive Arthur's presence without any of the normal senses 
with which they might have normally wanted to use for the perception 
of that kind of thing that Arthur is to perceive.
        "Hey, how come we can ...", begins Zaphod, but Trillian puts her 
hand over his mouth.
        "I don't think we should ask that question.", she tells him before 
releasing her grip.
        "Oh, yeah, well, hey, why's that?", naively asks Zaphod.
        "Because we might find out the answer."
        "Hey, good thinking.  So, uh, yeah, uh, what's the deal Earthman?  
Why are you, uh, like, dead?"
        "The Earth blew up.  I was on it at the time."
        "Oh, yeah, say, that's a shame.", responds Zaphod oblivious.
        "Excuse me", Trillian speaks up, "But let's not just gloss over this 
the Earth blew up thing.  What happened to the Earth?"
        "The Vogons blew it up, to clear the way for a hyperspace bypass 
that isn't going to be put through."
        "Ah", said Zaphod, then to Slartibartfast, "But I thought you said 
this was the Earth."
        "Ah, yes I did, but what I should have said was this is the Earth 
Mark II."
        "The Earth Mark II?"
        "Just accept it.  You'll find out the answer soon enough.", 
interrupts Arthur, "Just know this is the Earth Mark II and we are 
standing in Croydon and no there shouldn't strictly be any fjords 
here, but that's nothing to worry about now."
        "You say you were on the other Earth when it was destroyed?  So why 
are you here?", inquires Trillian.
        "Woof, as I understand it, which, of course, I don't, I lost my mind 
just before I died, and now I'm barking mad.  Anything else is just 
guesswork.  Anyway, I wasn't the only one that was on the Earth at 
the time."
        "I should think not, yeah, I mean I know it was a bit of a backward 
little planet, but the last time I was there, I distinctly remember 
there being more than just you.  Hey, you know come to think of it, 
I do remember there being you, yeah.  You remember, Trillian, he was 
that guy that was boring you at that party I rescued you from."
Trillian nods that she remembers and Zaphod continues, "So there was 
at least you and Trillian and the other people at the party and I 
guess there ought to have been a bunch more but then again I didn't 
actually meet any of them so who can be sure."
        "Look, I was talking about people that we know.  As I said, I was 
there, well, Trillian, you were there, our daughter was there, Ford 
Prefect a friend of Zaphod's was there and Tricia MacMillan was 
there too."
        Zaphod puts on the flabbergasted looked that he liked to use for 
situations like this.  Trillian, however, decided on a blank look.
        "Uh, I have a few problems with that story, Arthur.  Besides any 
time related issues, it seems you counted me twice."
        "Yes."
        "And there was this thing about our daughter?"
        "Yes, Random."
        "Random?"
        "Yes."
        "Would you mind explaining that?"
        "It's another time related issue.  As to you and Tricia, it's a 
Plural Z thing.  Look all these things will become clear to you 
eventually, but the main thing is that eventually, if you, Ford and 
I want to ultimately survive, we've got to do something."
        "Uh, hey, what, uh, exactly does this have to do with, uh, me?", 
ponders Zaphod.
        "Well, you can either come along and help, or we can leave you 
here.", explained Trillian, "The choice is yours."
        "Hey, that is my ship, you dig?  You don't tell me what to do, okay, 
I tell you, right?"
        "Wrong.", replied Trillian.
        "Wrong?", asks Zaphod.
        "Look, we're not going through that again.  C'mon Trillian, let's go 
take our new ship."
        Trillian starts off towards the Heart of Gold accompanied by 
absolutely no one, with whom she carries on a conversation.
        "So what's this about us having a daughter?", she asks.
        "It came as quite a shock to me when I first heard about it too.  
Actually, I think it was all the Vogon's fault, personally."
Zaphod just stands there for a moment watching them leave.  He looks 
at Slartibartfast, and then back at them, and then at 
Slartibartfast, and then he looks at Slartibartfast with his left 
head and Trillian with his right head.  Then he switches and then 
switches back.  After a moment's further hesitation, he sets off 
after them at a run, catching up to them just as they get to the 
ship.
        Slartibartfast watches all this with calm disinterest.  He watches 
the ship take off and begin on a new adventure.  He then pushes a 
button and his space ship, carefully disguised as a fjord in Croydon 
and begins the return trip to Magrathea so that he can promptly meet 
these people again for the first time.
                                *   *   *
        Zaphod walked across the desert and back to the Heart of Gold.  He 
didn't much like this whole idea, and he certainly didn't like the 
desert, but he did like the Heart of Gold, so he didn't like the 
idea of Trillian and the late Arthur Dent taking off with his 
precious ship.  Certainly not before he got to the Lost Planet of 
Magrathea.  He'd heard of the place and would've wanted to go there, 
you know just to check it out.  Of course, what he'd really want to 
check out is the vast stores of treasure that were supposed to be 
there in exactly the same way you would check all the books out of a 
library (and not return them) and also exactly the way you were not 
supposed to check treasure out of a vault (it doesn't matter about 
the returning bit because you just weren't supposed to take it in 
the first place).
        However, given that he, like everyone else, thought the whole planet 
to be a myth, it never struck him that he might actually go there.  
But now he knew that the place must exist, because he'd actually met 
a resident.  Things were indeed looking up for him.
        The door to the ship opened and Zaphod stepped in and walked up to 
the bridge.
        "So how did it go?", Arthur questioned him.
        "Hey, this is me here.  Everything went super, incredible 
mega-amazingly.  What did you expect?"
        "You gave it to him?"
        "Yeah."
        "He understands what he's to do with it?"
        "Yeah."
        "And he's going to do it?"
        "Yeah."
        "Did you tell him how much he'd get paid?"
        "Oh yeah."
        "What did he say?"
        "He said, 'Uh, thank you, thank you very much.'"
                                *   *   *
        Arthur just stood there for a moment looking at his daughter.  He 
could tell Ford was doing something or other, but at this point he 
wasn't overly concerned.  His daughter, Random, for her part was 
holding a gun aimed directly at her father and was screaming about 
where she fit in.  Behind Random was Tricia MacMillan.  Although 
Tricia was not truly Random's mother, she'd consented to take her to 
a night club as long as she'd stop throwing rocks.  Tricia seemed to 
be more and more losing her slight grip on the situation.
        Adding to the confusion was the arrival of Trillian.  The fact that 
Tricia and Trillian, upon cursory examination, would seem rather on 
the identical side.  This is because they were quite simply the same 
person, except that when Zaphod Beeblebrox had offered to take her 
into space, Tricia had gone back for her bag and Trillian didn't.  A 
seemingly unimportant decision, largely caused by the number of 
leaves on a typical clover plant, although this relationship is 
unclear in the extreme, but it turned out to be a major life 
decision.  Both of them regretted the choice that they made, but for 
entirely different reasons.  Arthur sort of half noticed a slight 
beeping sound.
        With Tricia and Trillian and Arthur and Ford coaxing her, Random had 
started lowering her gun and relaxing.  Then suddenly a man slammed 
the bathroom door open and emerged.  This startled Random and she 
brought the gun up quickly and fired at Arthur.
        Arthur threw his body forward and then fell awkwardly as Trillian 
jumped on to of him to protect him with her body.  The bullet sailed 
clear over both of them and lodged itself in the man who'd emerged 
from the bathroom, killing him instantly, well not entirely 
instantly in that he'd had the opportunity to cause Arthur Dent's 
name one time before actually getting around to the dying business.
        Random dropped the gun to the floor, repeating, "I'm sorry.", 
several times.  Both Trillian and Tricia rushed over to comfort her.  
Ford bent down to pick up something that he'd seen fall on the 
stairs.
        Arthur sat down on the stairs with his head in his hands.  Ford 
grabbed Arthur by the back of the collar and pulled him towards the 
others, saying, "C'mon, we've only got a few seconds", to which 
Arthur replied a half strangled, "What?", due to the fact that Ford 
half strangled him by pulling on his collar like that.
        Ford forced the whole group into some sort of group hug, to which 
most of them initially protested, but soon protestations became 
impossible as they were caught in the pull of a matter transference 
beam.  Relaxed muscles would have been a good idea, but they simply 
had no time for that.
        The rest of the people in the club had all been watching the drama 
unfold and then suddenly, the whole group was gone.  This everyone 
in the club by surprise, but the surprise of their disappearance was 
nothing compared to the complete shock of what happened after that.
                                *   *   *
        The Vogon Captain watched with satisfaction as the small blue-green 
planet began to disappear in every dimension.  The whole reverse 
engineered solution worked exactly right.  Not only would the Earth 
be completely and utterly gone, but he'd be rid of those other two 
Earth creatures that had escaped the very first time he'd tried to 
demolish the place.  The Plural Z had been a thorn in his side once 
he'd been tasked with the destruction of the Earth, but now he'd 
finally accomplished it.
        Just as the very last of the blue-green sausage shaped objects on 
his screen were folding in upon themselves and he was preparing to 
finally check the box that indicated utter completion of his task, a 
ship, one he recognized immediately, quite improbably showed up, 
activated a matter transference beam, and left.  Looking at the 
tactical display, he noticed that there was absolutely no sign of 
the blue-green planet left in any dimension.
        Unbelievable.
        Somehow, no matter what you did, this bunch just kept turning up 
like a bad penny.  Of course, the Vogon Captain knew, and for that 
matter cared, nothing about pennies and what made some of them bad, 
but it bothered him that there were loose ends.
        Slowly, and very, very carefully, he re-read the instructions.  They 
told him to demolish the Earth.  It didn't say anything about the 
people, just that the area had to be cleared for the bypass.  Well, 
the Earth was gone and a bypass could certainly be built through it, 
it didn't have to be but it could be, so the Vogon Captain put his 
pen to paper and checked off the box.  He ordered a return to 
wherever it was exactly that Vogon's return to after having utterly 
demolished a planet in a dimensional sense.
        As the ship left the area, the Captain entirely failed to notice the 
small blue-green planet that appeared in exactly the same place as 
where the Earth had been.  It was nearly identical to the Earth, 
with the possible exception of the fact that this new planet had 
entirely to many fjords.
                                *   *   *
        Hanging around the bridge of the Heart of Gold were, in some cases, 
entirely too many of the same person.  Of course there were only one 
Zaphod Beeblebrox and one Ford Prefect.  The normal number of 
Marvin's were there, that is, one, and even the number of Random's 
was perfectly in line. However there were exactly twice as many 
Arthur Dent's there, but one of them was dead, and barking mad for 
that matter, so Arthur wise, things weren't too bad.
        Trillians were another matter.  There were, in fact, three 
Trillians, or Tricia MacMillans if you prefer.  One of the Trillians 
had been on the ship all along and had come with the Zaphod, whom 
she seemed rather fond of, and the late Arthur Dent, of whom she did 
not hold any particular fondness, exactly, but he did seem a rather 
nice chap (definitely not the kind that you'd ever have any kind of 
physical relationship with, obviously).  The second Trillian, 
Trillian Astra, who was, most strictly speaking, the mother of 
Random, had just arrived in the matter transference beam with the 
group from the club.  If one, for no apparent reason, felt one had 
to speak of the people for whom this Trillian held any particular 
fondness, the only name that particularly came forward was her own, 
and the only person was herself.
        The last of the Trillians, who normally called herself Tricia 
MacMillan and in fact never called herself Trillian, but was still a 
Trillian nonetheless, had also come aboard in the matter 
transference beam.  The whole thing had come as a complete shock as 
her only previous experience had been talking with Zaphod that one 
night long ago and then with the Grebulons whose main distinguishing 
feature was that they'd lost their minds.  Tricia was not 
particularly fond of Zaphod because it was he who'd stood her up all 
those years ago and she decided that since Ford was a friend of his 
and in fact somehow bizarrely related to him as well, that is was 
probably safe to extend that dislike to Ford.  Since the barking 
mad, late Arthur Dent, had lost his mind, thus making him barking 
mad in the first place, he reminded her too much of the Grebulons.  
She was quite fond of Random, though, and also of Random's father.  
She sort of fancied that she deserved some of what Trillian had, 
being her and all, sort of, and thought she'd rather like to have 
her daughter (this may or may not need some explanation, in that she 
meant it in the adoption sense, and not some other undefined strange 
meaning that the sick readers among you thought she meant, you know 
who you are), and also would like to have her lover (no one ever 
quite got round to explaining Random's origins to Tricia and perhaps 
that was all for the better).
        "Hey, uh, yeah, I've got this great idea, yeah.  We go to Magrathea, 
okay?  It's this great mythical place with all this treasure, 
right?", suggests Zaphod.
        "Wrong.", answers the late Arthur Dent and the early Arthur Dent 
simultaneously.
        "Wrong?", asks Zaphod.
        "Great Zarquon!", exclaims Ford.
        "Woof", explains Arthur, "First of all, except for one Trillian and 
one Zaphod and one Marvin, the rest of us have got to get off of 
this heap, and then Trillian and Zaphod have to return to the time 
which they initially left before they first encountered me.  
Otherwise, this whole thing is going to be messed up completely.  
Personally, I'm going back to the Earth Mark II.  I can hang around 
and watch what happens without actually interfering with the 
program."
        Arthur and Tricia step forward and Arthur speaks, entirely without 
barking in any way, "Tricia and I have talked about it, and we'd 
like to find a little out of the way place, and Random, we'd love for 
you to join us.  It'd mean a place for you to fit in, with your 
father, and almost with your mother."
        Random thought about it for a moment and then looked at her actual 
mother, who seemed to have no firm opinions about the matter.  
Eventually, she said yes.  Trillian Astra mentioned that she'd be 
going back to her job, but she had some contacts in the real estate 
business and could probably find them some place nice.
        "What about you, Ford?", asked Arthur.
        "I want to find out what's going on at the Guide, now that the 
Vogon's are probably done with it.  Besides, I've got to make sure I 
can keep my expense account the way it is.  That reminds me, Arthur, 
I've got something for you, I picked it up at the club."
Ford hands Arthur a box of matches.  Arthur turns it over in his 
hands and then reads the back of it.  He sits down heavily in a 
chair.
        "What is it?", Tricia asks with concern.  Arthur shows her the box.  
        "I don't get it."
        "I've been looking all over the galaxy for a planet with that name", 
he explains, "And here it turns out to be the name of a club on my 
own little planet."
        "Woof!", adds the late Arthur Dent.
                                *   *   *
        After the conversation on the bridge, the group split up and went 
their separate ways.  Ford and Trillian Astra back to their jobs, 
Arthur, Tricia and Random found a beautiful little planet to live on 
and settled into domestic life.  Zaphod, Trillian Non-Astra and 
Marvin returned and became part of the adventure that started this 
all.
        The barking mad, late Arthur Dent did in fact return to the Earth 
Mark II.  He watched over the inhabitants, trying to remain as 
unobtrusive as he possibly could.  Every so often, it became 
absolutely necessary that he communicate with some of the 
inhabitants of the small blue-green planet, but when those times 
occurred, he did it as subtly as he could (his level of subtlety 
improved over the years until he reached a point when no one ever 
noticed his presence again).  At some point he got a nickname that 
he wasn't sure he liked, although the recognition was nice, but 
that's the nature of nicknames.
        His nickname was GOD.